~God's Got This

As we prepare to leave for MA tomorrow for Joshua's surgery on Wednesday, I have been reflecting on some of God's blessings back in 2010 when we started this "journey." Sometimes one of the best ways to counteract fear and muster up hope is by remembering how faithful God has already been . . .

On August 22, 2010, we were home for the weekend (Joshua was having radiation treatments at the time) and able to attend The Rock. After the service, one of our firends approached us and said that she had been praying for Joshua all throughout the message. She felt strongly that God had directed her to tell Joshua, "Thank you for taking this challenge, this trial. It is for My glory." It has been practically three years since she delivered that message, and yet I *still* get goosebumps thinking about it. She heard God say that He had things that needed to be accomplished through this trial, and He allowed it to happen to Joshua because He knew he’d be faithful. Wow. We never would have thought that we could handle something like this . . . I don’t think anyone really does until they encounter it head-on, and yet God had already deemed Joshua capable.

The point of my relaying this story is NOT to brag about how strong or faithful either one of us was. Not even close. Left to our own devices, we would have crumbled. I constantly tell people that, but for God’s extreme grace, I would likely have been admitted to the local mental hospital. Best case scenario, I would have been doped up on anti-depressants. While these are sometimes necessary resources, and I am not judging anyone who is utilizing them, I was incredibly blessed to see God’s extreme intervention and blessing in our lives. The summer of 2010 presented daily challenges, but in an odd way, I feel honored that God chose us. Yes, it is hard, but the opportunity to showcase His glory far surpasses the struggles. We were, and still are, completely determined to believe God through everything, no matter how many curveballs of life are thrown our way.

On September 6, 2010, our church organized and hosted a community yard sale fundraiser for Joshua and I. To say it was incredible would be an understatement. So many of our friends, and some people that we did not even know, spent countless hours collecting donations, sorting items for sale, advertising for the fundraiser, and helping out at the event itself. We arrived to a building FULL of merchandise and people supporting us. It is almost incomprehensible how blessed we were by their love and encouragement. We were shocked to hear that one couple had spent the entire past week assisting with the preparations . . . and they had never even met us. Their selfless love humbled and overwhelmed me, and I found myself wondering if I would have unselfishly done the same thing for someone I did not even know. Another remarkable man donated numerous items that his wife had cherished dearly. The year before, she had passed away from cancer. The fact that he even cared to help us during his own time of grief was staggering. There was only one item that he wanted to withhold from the yard sale: I believe it was crib, and it must have held sentimental value. He kept feeling like he was supposed to donate the item, but he continued to refuse to do so until the last minute. It turns out that a couple in our church had been praying for that exact item at an inexpensive price. Totally God. One man’s obedience blessed so many lives.

One of Joshua’s nurses showed up at the yard sale to support him. He had previously told her his story about how Jesus was his "superhero" and would get him through this hard time. She relayed to one of our friends how it had inspired her. A man I went to high school with happened to be driving past the church and stopped in to see what was going on. He had been diagnosed with brain cancer and given a limited amount of time to live. However, he chose to believe God through it, and he told Joshua that according to the doctors, he should have been dead two years before that. From what I know, he is a healthy husband and father today, and he has used his circumstances to comfort others with chronic or life-threatening diseases and has even published a book about his experience.

From that event, we were presented with a check for over $10,000.00, but it did not end there. Countless families, some we had never even met, sent encouraging cards and gifts of money. I know that for some of them it was a real sacrifice, and yet they still wanted to bless us. So many people were supporting us and praying for us. At one point, we figured out that people were praying for us across the nation and even in at least four other countries! Another unexpected blessing came from me losing my job with Wells Fargo. The company requested all managers to stay and help close each office. In return, each branch manager would receive a $5000.00 bonus above and beyond their severance pay. My boss had already found a new position with another bank, and he was unable to stay. Knowing my financial situation, he recommended me to fulfill that duty, and with it came the bonus. Losing my job that summer may have appeared to be a burden at first, but I ended up better off because of it. My position with Wells Fargo was only part time, and with Joshua unable to work during treatments, I needed full time employment. I closed Wells Fargo on a Thursday, enjoyed a long weekend, and started my current full time job with TD Bank the following Monday. Even our health insurance benefits worked out perfectly, and we never went without complete coverage. Amazing.

As we drive to MA tomorrow, I know that God is right there with us. As Joshua is wheeled into the OR on Wednesday, God will still be there. He is faithful. I don't understand why we sometimes go through certain trials. I don't know what the end result will be, or how God will choose to work it all for His good. But He will. And he is *always* faithful. And thankfully, that's all I need to know. I say this constantly, and I'll say it again: He's got this.

~Family Matters

As many of you are aware, Joshua and his siblings were raised in a turbulent household. To avoid disrespecting my in-laws, I will not relay every gory detail, but suffice it to say that there was much physical and mental abuse involved, partly due to severe drug abuse issues. Because of this, Joshua’s relationship with his parents had been strained for years. He loved and respected them, but there needed to be boundaries. He spoke to them on the phone and occasionally visited them, but we had decided that because of their dangerous lifestyle, contact would be limited. There have been many arguments and tense conversations over the years, as Joshua’s parents were obviously upset by this and denied their blatant involvement in drugs, etc. To make matters worse, Joshua had been very disappointed in their behavior throughout the diagnosis and treatments.  They still seemed to view him as, quite frankly, a dollar sign and not their son who needed love and support during a difficult period. He prayed for them frequently, begged them to go to church, pleaded with them to straighten out their lives . . . it felt as though nothing would ever change. One specific church that he had repeatedly asked them to visit was Pathway Vineyard, right close to where they live. They would promise to attend as a way to appease him, but it proved to only be empty promises. Things seemed to take a turn for the worst in their lives when Joshua’s father was involved in some sort of an altercation and badly injured. As a result, he had a pronounced limp and required a walking stick for assistance. One evening he was struggling to walk home (they did not own a vehicle at the time) when a black Escalade pulled over. The man inside asked him if he could give him a ride somewhere, and Joshua’s father gladly accepted. In a surprising turn of events, that man was a member of Pathway Vineyard Church. He felt prompted to help Joshua’s father that day, and he proceeded to visit he and Joshua’s mother weekly. He shared his faith with them and inspired them to evaluate their lives and the addictions that gripped them. They could not muster the strength to find help, so God brought it directly to them.

Joshua began to see a notable change in his father from that point on. Their relationship strengthened, and they had numerous encouraging phone conversations. In the past, Joshua’s father would react very defensively if any of his indescretions were brought up, but he became remarkably humbled. For the first time ever, he acknowledged the past abuse and his part in the family’s troubles. He admitted his drug addiction and feelings of helplessness and began to take steps toward rehabilitation. The formerly proud, defensive, angry man confessed his need for a Savior and a changed lifestyle. At the time, we did not realize that those would be his father’s last months on this earth, but God knew. Part of what changed his heart was watching his son walk out his faith during a tremendously tumultous time.

We watched as God ironed out so many issues during that summer of surgery and cancer treatments. Life was difficult and fear-inducing. The future was unknown. But God used all of it to His full advantage. He did things that we never imagined.

“And we know that in all things god works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”Romans 8:28 NIV

~Fear

Fear.  We all encounter it.  No matter how strong or independent we may think we are, we are all acquainted with this horrible feeling.  I think I may have dealt with it more than others . . . my type A personality is always thinking of terrible things that could happen.  I am the wife who begs her husband not to eat or drink after anyone because they might be carriers of Meningitis.  I hate potlucks because other people may not be as careful as me while, say, preparing meat.  I have trouble enjoying amusement parks and rides, not because I am scared of heights or speed, but because I am *petrified* that another person on a ride will get sick and throw up on me.  Yes, I am slightly strange.  But all jokes aside, fear is obviously something that I have dealt with more than ever in the past two years.  Facing a serious illness of a loved one has a way of drudging up our worst nightmares and throwing them in our faces.

I find that I do well for weeks, months even.  And then, WHAM!  I am hit with it.  A paralyzing temptation to fear.  So strong that I feel as though I might drown it.  Might go crazy from it.  And that is when I know it is time to purge my mind, hand it all over to God, and continue my fight to believe Him all over again.  Sometimes I am struck with a horrible thought, and five minutes of prayer calms my fear and rids me of irrational thoughts.  Sometimes I spend time meditating on Psalm 91 or another soothing scripture, and I feel better immediately.  But other times, the same fear keeps rearing its ugly head, and I know that I need to just deal with it.  Just recently, for example, I began to feel the temptation to fear regarding Joshua having seizures.  He has been having them infrequently for two years now, and they are a "normal" way of life.  Yet for some reason, I suddenly began to feel a lot of anxiety about them.  When this happens, I know that I need to purge my mind, so to speak.  I need to deal with it head on and rid myself of it before it takes over.  Because it will if I let it go.  Fear will take place of faith, and before I know it, I will be facing life's ups and down in my own strength and failing miserably.

So what do I do?  I start by pouring out my every fear to God.  The Charismatic in me used to be terrified to do this.  If I vocalize what I am afraid of, I might be "confessing" it over my life, and it could happen!  Seriously?  Do I really think that God becomes impotent when I admit a fear?  Yeah, pretty irrational.  Spelling out my every horrific thought to Him is literally the most therapeutic thing ever.  I list every fear that I have in the situation - from the normal, to the completely irrational, to the silliest, to the smallest little blip on my mental radar.  Everything.  He already knows my thoughts; He won't be shocked by it.  If I keep burying my fears, I will never really face them.  I will never get rid of them.

For days after Joshua had the first seizure, I left the hospital each night haunted with memories of it.  After a few days of this, I finally sat down and just told God everything.  I described to Him exactly what happened, how I felt during the incident, how terrified I had been.  How helpless I felt.  I replayed the entire thing for God.  Just this morning, I told God all of my fears about seizures.  Every little thought that has scared me.  I laid it all out there.

Once I get that all out, I typically feel 100 times better.  It really is a huge relief to dump it all on God.  I then ask God for peace and protection.  I ask for healing from seizures, and for Him to keep Joshua safe when they occur.  I ask him to protect my mind from fear and irrational thoughts.  I spend time thanking Him for all of the times that He has protected us and taken care of us.

I conclude by telling God that I am still determined to believe Him.  I acknowledge that He is God, and nothing will happen outside of His knowledge.  It will be okay.  Even if every horrible thing that I could ever imagine suddenly happens all at once . . . it really will be alright.  God will still be God.  He will remain faithful.  I may not be able to fathom how I could ever deal with something, but God knows.  And if He allows me to ever face it, He will give me the grace to go through it.  Does it make sense to my puny human brain?  No.  Can I explain how He equips us with that kind of strength?  No.  I only know that He is faithful, and if we just agree to believe Him, He will come through for us.  We will have the strength to fight the fear and deal with situations that we thought would kill us.  We can even manage to do this while retaining peace.  I am living proof of this.  I am determined to trade stressful situations for peace and fear for faith.  With God's grace, I will be able to walk through anything that life throws at me.  I am believing God.

~God of Even the Littlest Things

On August 7, 2010, The Rock Church held a special Saturday night service for Woody Woodson, a well-known national speaker. We happened to be back in Maine that weekend, so we decided to attend. Since there was rarely a dull moment in our lives, Joshua of course had a small seizure during the service. Thankfully, most people in attendance were aware of what was occurring, and nothing was made of it. However, it was a definite reminder of how much we had been praying for healing and for the seizures to cease. I do not remember a whole lot about the service itself (although I am sure it was great) until the very end. Woody was taking some time to pray for people, and he suddenly announced that there was someone with a "bad shoulder" in attendance that needed prayer but did not think it was worth God’s time. Joshua instantly knew that was him. Since dislocating his right shoulder during the second seizure, he still experienced quite a bit of discomfort and limited range of motion. He was supposed to be wearing a sling at all times, and we had been told that he might require future surgery to repair the damage. Woody prayed for Joshua, and he felt warmth all over. After that, he stopped wearing the sling, and he was able to move his shoulder and arm normally. He still experiences minor pain after some seizures – the strain of his muscles tightening can cause some discomfort, but nothing like what he had previously encountered. It was ironic, because we were wrapped up in praying for healing from seizures and the tumor itself, but God wanted to remind us that He is still the God of the “small” issues. Our minor problems are just as significant to Him as our severest troubles.

~Summer 2010 Stories

The seven weeks of radiation therapy were rigorous and challenging, yet strangely blessed. During some of the worst moments, we could feel God with us more than ever. The doctors had finally solidified Joshua’s seizure medication, but he seemed to have them more frequently during the treatments. Thankfully, he has auras and knows when they are coming on, but it can still be a scary experience. He is completely conscious during them and pretty aware of his surroundings, but he has no control over his body. This happened one morning on the way to one of his treatments, and he arrived at Lahey Clinic shortly after the seizure ended. Joshua was still slightly groggy and felt a little light-headed (which is not typical), so the nurses decided to check his vitals. When they hooked him up to a monitor, his heart rate was at an alarming 240. As the nurse began to take action, Joshua muttered under his breath, “In the name of Jesus, slow down.” He wanted to move on with his treatments and not be fussed over. I kid you not, the words had just left his mouth, when the monitor registered an immediate drop from 240 to 100.  The nurse seemed baffled by it and chalked it up to a mistake, but Joshua knew different. Another time, as Joshua felt himself slipping into a seizure, he remembered thinking, “I hope someone, somewhere is praying for me right now.” He took notice of the time, as we like to be aware of how long each attack lasts. Later that day, Joshua spoke with my father over the phone, and he told him that during his lunch, he felt the prompting to pray for Joshua. Joshua asked what time that was, and of course, it was when he was having the seizure. Amazing. It is such an encouragement to see proof that God never forgets us. We always matter to him, regardless of how big or small our present circumstances are.

Some moments seemed traumatic at the time but are almost funny now. Joshua was about five weeks into the treatments, and his hair had thinned a little but had not fallen out. The doctors had told him it most likely would, but since the radiation was more than halfway over, one of the technicians remarked that he thought Joshua would probably manage to keep his hair. That same week, I had been in Bangor to help box up files, etc. to prepare for the office closing. Everyday when I talked to Joshua, I asked about the status of his hair – I was really hoping that it would not fall out, but I wanted to be prepared if it did. Each day he assured me that he still had a thick head of hair. That Friday, I traveled back to MA, and when I arrived at his grandparents house, Joshua was not back from Lahey Clinic yet. His grandmother and I were catching up over coffee when Joshua walked through the door . . . with literally half of his hair missing! Nana’s and my jaws must have practically hit the floor. I began pelting Joshua with questions as to why he had lied to me about his hair, and he just seemed confused. He insisted that none of it was missing that morning, and Nana confirmed that he had left the house with a full head of hair. At some point during the past 1-2 hours, half of it had mysteriously fallen out. Really, the thought is comical now. Can you imagine leaving the house with all your hair (and Joshua has THICK hair), and coming home with half of it gone?! I wonder if the housekeepers at Lahey Clinic were baffled by the trail of hair in the halls that day. Smile. At the time, it was hard for me to get used to Joshua without hair. While he rocked the bald head, it was a constant reminder of what we were going through. Today those pictures (and painting, thanks to my amazingly talented, artist brother in law!) of him during that time period are such a precious reminder to me of how much God brought us through. I never would have thought I had the strength to deal with that, and yet it is amazing how much you can be empowered to do through Christ.

Another time, Joshua was pondering Jeremiah 29:11 and trying to fight off fear. Thanks to his detailed journal, I can recount the following conversation. Joshua asked God, “Why do I feel fear symptoms of what might be on the other side? Because it might kill me?” Right then, he clearly heard God speak to his heart,“That won’t be what kills you.” Encouraged for a moment, Joshua was then pelted with other fears. Death would certainly be the worst-case, but there were still so many unanswered questions. “But it might inconvenience Lindsay, and it might separate and divide us.” God shot back, “Look how far I brought her.” Still not satisfied, Joshua persisted in calling attention to our financial situation. Medical bills were coming in almost daily, and the office I worked for would be closed within the next month. Ever faithful, God responded to that concern, as well, “Look what I did so far with you. There is more than this to come.” Wow. Joshua had been spending quite a bit of time seeking God about his future and where he would go from there. At that point, we did not know if he would ever be able to work in plumbing and heating again, and everything felt up in the air. Joshua voiced his concern of, “How will I know it’s Your will? I am afraid to miss it!” He clearly heard back, “As you become aware of My love, as you become aware of who you are, I will lead you clearly.” Joshua had no idea what was to come, but God did. It was a huge encouragement to him that day to hear God confirm that He still had a plan. That He would lead Joshua clearly. There were many changes to come, but we never doubted who we were following.

“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on Me, when you come and pray to Me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for Me, you’ll find Me. Yes, when you get serious about finding Me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed. God’s Decree. I’ll turn things around for you.” Jeremiah 29:11b-14a MSG

~Our Car Miracle

Those of you who have known us for very long know that until the past year or so, Joshua and I have always driven older vehicles. I inherited my parents 1993 Ford Tempo during my senior year of highschool, and 4 years later, we "upgraded" to a 1998 Dodge Neon. We had a car payment for less than a year, and we obviously were not riding in style, but we avoided a lot of debt. On the other hand, we also were not able to travel very far after we had owned the Neon for about 2 years. Literally... it broke down *every* time we attempted to travel more than 30-40 miles away. No joke.

While I wasn't pining after shiny new vehicles, it did bother me that we had to rent a car everytime we wanted to visit family in MA or go on vacation. I would look around at all my friends and peers with newer, reliable, cute cars, and sometimes it downright annoyed me. That's exactly how I was feeling one Spring afternoon in 2009. I was going about my normal daily routines, all while complaining in my head about the world's injustices (please tell me I'm not the only one who does this!!). I was praying (but really just whining) about how it wasn't fair that we'd been faithful with our money, always tithed, etc. etc. and yet we were "stuck" with beater cars. Why weren't we blessed with some amazing deal or given a car like so many other people we knew or heard about. Whine, whine, whine... when all of a sudden, I literally heard God (in my head - not audible) interrupt my complaint... stopped me mid-word. He said, "What is it that you want?? Just ask me! I'll give it to you!" Well that left me dumbfounded for a few seconds. What a novel thought... instead of crabbing about it, I could ask. And that's exactly what I did. I described to Him what I wanted: a safe, reliable small SUV - big enough to be safer than a car, but small enough that I could park it without causing an accident. In a non-ugly color.

Fast forward to a little over a year later. Joshua was undergoing radiation treatment, and I had to rely on rides from my parents or friends back and forth between ME and MA. Or Angel Flight, which is an amazing non-profit company that flies patients (free!) for medical treatment. I was extremely blessed by this, but I also held onto my promise from God. With more treatments and regular MRI's in our future, we desperately needed a reliable vehicle more than ever. And to add insult to injury, the A/C in the Neon stopped working... that summer seemed even hotter than normal!

In September 2010 our amazing and *extremely* generous church family, The Rock Church, organized and hosted a community yard sale to raise money for our medical bills, etc. That's a whole other incredible story for another time... but in the end, we were given a large sum of money, in addition to other funds that came from surprising places (I promise I'll share that in another blog). We were *incredibly* blessed to be able to PAY OFF our medical bills, set a specified amount aside for future bills, and still have funds left over to purchase a more reliable vehicle.

So there we were at Van Syckle, lured in by advertisements of a huge weekend sale. We met with a salesman about our age who agreed to show us some cars in our price range. They were all decent and okay... and then he brought us to the last one. A Kia Sportage - a cute little SUV with all the safety bells and whistles that made my little heart go pitter-pat. Believe me when I tell you that electronics and horsepower hold little appeal with me... but give me four wheel drive, airbags surrounding me, and electronic stability control, and I'm a happy girl! Not to mention, it even had A/C and cruise control, and while this is just the norm for most American drivers, those were features I'd been long deprived of! :)

We test drove the car, knowing it was waaayyy out of our price range. Knowing it was *exactly* what we wanted, yet likely unattainable. But God knew. And He had us exactly where he wanted us. Joshua ended up having a seizure in the parking lot... and if any of you ever doubted my love for him, you should have been there to see my *real* leather Coach handbag plummet into a mud puddle in my haste to catch him. Just sayin'! Anyway, it turns out the salesman has a history of brain tumors in his family, and he understood what we were going through. To this day, we are now friends with he and his wife. And the car? It was priced at about $11,000 more than what we had to spend. But a few hours later... after a lot of bargaining and even more prayer, it was ours. We had to finance about $5000, but within 6 months we owned it free and clear. Exactly what I wanted. Exactly what I asked God for on that Spring day a year and a half before then. God knew what was coming. He knew what we'd go through and how much we'd need reliable transportation. He chose to go above and beyond that and blessed us exponentially. He's cool like that.

~New Name

Some of you may have noticed that for the past year or so, Joshua suddenly began insisting that people call him "Joshua."  He no longer goes by "Josh," and quite frankly, it irks him when people call him that.  There is a story behind it, and rather than relay the information, I am going to record a letter that my mother wrote to him on August 19, 2010.  She believed God had spoken to her about Joshua's name and its purpose in his life:

I was just going to tell you this when you came home [from MA] but the Lord is prompting me to write it down.  I have always wondered at the fact that Abraham waited 25 years for Isaac to be born - from age 75 to 100.  Awhile ago, I asked God why at age 100 did he finally receive his son - why not at age 80 or 90?  Why after 25 years did it finally happen?  I know he was growing all those years spiritually, but what finally put him over the top?  I believe the Lord showed me that at age 99 God changed his name.  Abram means "high, exalted father," but God changed it to Abraham "father of a multitude."  I think the difference was that everytime he heard his name "Abraham," he heard "father of a multitude" over and over, until he just believed it.

I don't know why your mom named you Joshua, but I believe it was the prompting of the Lord for this season in your life.  I was reviewing over my Beth Moore Inheritance [Bible study] Session 4 this morning, and I saw the explanation for the name "Joshua."  Your name means "Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers."  I believe God had your mom and dad name you Joshua as a verbal prompt to increase your faith during this time.  Everytime someone speaks your name, they are declaring that Almighty God Himself is saving and delivering you.  Just like Abraham's new name increased his faith in what God could do for him, your name can cause your faith to grow in the fact that you are going to be fine.  You are not saved and delivered by man, but by God Himself.  Yawheh - the name that was so holy, the Jews did not speak it.  The name that you learned [on Rob Bell's Breathe DVD] was the breath of God.  Beth [Moore] said that Joshua was the first name in which "Yawheh" was added into a name.  So even if a total unbeliever or the most sinful man on earth were to call out, "Hey, Joshua!" in greeting to you, they would be declaring that it is Yawheh who saves and delivers you!!!  Meditate on your name for awhile, and everytime you hear someone speak it, remember . . . "Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers."  I am going to try and remember to call you Joshua and not Josh.  May your name be your testimony for the rest of your long life, just as Abraham's new name was for him!  Joshua - Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers!  Joshua - Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers!

Wow.  Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers.  On February 8, 1985, as two parents gazed down at their adorable little boy and named him Joshua James Neagle, little did they know that the name was divinely inspired by God for such a time as this.