~Summer 2010 Stories

The seven weeks of radiation therapy were rigorous and challenging, yet strangely blessed. During some of the worst moments, we could feel God with us more than ever. The doctors had finally solidified Joshua’s seizure medication, but he seemed to have them more frequently during the treatments. Thankfully, he has auras and knows when they are coming on, but it can still be a scary experience. He is completely conscious during them and pretty aware of his surroundings, but he has no control over his body. This happened one morning on the way to one of his treatments, and he arrived at Lahey Clinic shortly after the seizure ended. Joshua was still slightly groggy and felt a little light-headed (which is not typical), so the nurses decided to check his vitals. When they hooked him up to a monitor, his heart rate was at an alarming 240. As the nurse began to take action, Joshua muttered under his breath, “In the name of Jesus, slow down.” He wanted to move on with his treatments and not be fussed over. I kid you not, the words had just left his mouth, when the monitor registered an immediate drop from 240 to 100.  The nurse seemed baffled by it and chalked it up to a mistake, but Joshua knew different. Another time, as Joshua felt himself slipping into a seizure, he remembered thinking, “I hope someone, somewhere is praying for me right now.” He took notice of the time, as we like to be aware of how long each attack lasts. Later that day, Joshua spoke with my father over the phone, and he told him that during his lunch, he felt the prompting to pray for Joshua. Joshua asked what time that was, and of course, it was when he was having the seizure. Amazing. It is such an encouragement to see proof that God never forgets us. We always matter to him, regardless of how big or small our present circumstances are.

Some moments seemed traumatic at the time but are almost funny now. Joshua was about five weeks into the treatments, and his hair had thinned a little but had not fallen out. The doctors had told him it most likely would, but since the radiation was more than halfway over, one of the technicians remarked that he thought Joshua would probably manage to keep his hair. That same week, I had been in Bangor to help box up files, etc. to prepare for the office closing. Everyday when I talked to Joshua, I asked about the status of his hair – I was really hoping that it would not fall out, but I wanted to be prepared if it did. Each day he assured me that he still had a thick head of hair. That Friday, I traveled back to MA, and when I arrived at his grandparents house, Joshua was not back from Lahey Clinic yet. His grandmother and I were catching up over coffee when Joshua walked through the door . . . with literally half of his hair missing! Nana’s and my jaws must have practically hit the floor. I began pelting Joshua with questions as to why he had lied to me about his hair, and he just seemed confused. He insisted that none of it was missing that morning, and Nana confirmed that he had left the house with a full head of hair. At some point during the past 1-2 hours, half of it had mysteriously fallen out. Really, the thought is comical now. Can you imagine leaving the house with all your hair (and Joshua has THICK hair), and coming home with half of it gone?! I wonder if the housekeepers at Lahey Clinic were baffled by the trail of hair in the halls that day. Smile. At the time, it was hard for me to get used to Joshua without hair. While he rocked the bald head, it was a constant reminder of what we were going through. Today those pictures (and painting, thanks to my amazingly talented, artist brother in law!) of him during that time period are such a precious reminder to me of how much God brought us through. I never would have thought I had the strength to deal with that, and yet it is amazing how much you can be empowered to do through Christ.

Another time, Joshua was pondering Jeremiah 29:11 and trying to fight off fear. Thanks to his detailed journal, I can recount the following conversation. Joshua asked God, “Why do I feel fear symptoms of what might be on the other side? Because it might kill me?” Right then, he clearly heard God speak to his heart,“That won’t be what kills you.” Encouraged for a moment, Joshua was then pelted with other fears. Death would certainly be the worst-case, but there were still so many unanswered questions. “But it might inconvenience Lindsay, and it might separate and divide us.” God shot back, “Look how far I brought her.” Still not satisfied, Joshua persisted in calling attention to our financial situation. Medical bills were coming in almost daily, and the office I worked for would be closed within the next month. Ever faithful, God responded to that concern, as well, “Look what I did so far with you. There is more than this to come.” Wow. Joshua had been spending quite a bit of time seeking God about his future and where he would go from there. At that point, we did not know if he would ever be able to work in plumbing and heating again, and everything felt up in the air. Joshua voiced his concern of, “How will I know it’s Your will? I am afraid to miss it!” He clearly heard back, “As you become aware of My love, as you become aware of who you are, I will lead you clearly.” Joshua had no idea what was to come, but God did. It was a huge encouragement to him that day to hear God confirm that He still had a plan. That He would lead Joshua clearly. There were many changes to come, but we never doubted who we were following.

“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on Me, when you come and pray to Me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for Me, you’ll find Me. Yes, when you get serious about finding Me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed. God’s Decree. I’ll turn things around for you.” Jeremiah 29:11b-14a MSG

~Our Car Miracle

Those of you who have known us for very long know that until the past year or so, Joshua and I have always driven older vehicles. I inherited my parents 1993 Ford Tempo during my senior year of highschool, and 4 years later, we "upgraded" to a 1998 Dodge Neon. We had a car payment for less than a year, and we obviously were not riding in style, but we avoided a lot of debt. On the other hand, we also were not able to travel very far after we had owned the Neon for about 2 years. Literally... it broke down *every* time we attempted to travel more than 30-40 miles away. No joke.

While I wasn't pining after shiny new vehicles, it did bother me that we had to rent a car everytime we wanted to visit family in MA or go on vacation. I would look around at all my friends and peers with newer, reliable, cute cars, and sometimes it downright annoyed me. That's exactly how I was feeling one Spring afternoon in 2009. I was going about my normal daily routines, all while complaining in my head about the world's injustices (please tell me I'm not the only one who does this!!). I was praying (but really just whining) about how it wasn't fair that we'd been faithful with our money, always tithed, etc. etc. and yet we were "stuck" with beater cars. Why weren't we blessed with some amazing deal or given a car like so many other people we knew or heard about. Whine, whine, whine... when all of a sudden, I literally heard God (in my head - not audible) interrupt my complaint... stopped me mid-word. He said, "What is it that you want?? Just ask me! I'll give it to you!" Well that left me dumbfounded for a few seconds. What a novel thought... instead of crabbing about it, I could ask. And that's exactly what I did. I described to Him what I wanted: a safe, reliable small SUV - big enough to be safer than a car, but small enough that I could park it without causing an accident. In a non-ugly color.

Fast forward to a little over a year later. Joshua was undergoing radiation treatment, and I had to rely on rides from my parents or friends back and forth between ME and MA. Or Angel Flight, which is an amazing non-profit company that flies patients (free!) for medical treatment. I was extremely blessed by this, but I also held onto my promise from God. With more treatments and regular MRI's in our future, we desperately needed a reliable vehicle more than ever. And to add insult to injury, the A/C in the Neon stopped working... that summer seemed even hotter than normal!

In September 2010 our amazing and *extremely* generous church family, The Rock Church, organized and hosted a community yard sale to raise money for our medical bills, etc. That's a whole other incredible story for another time... but in the end, we were given a large sum of money, in addition to other funds that came from surprising places (I promise I'll share that in another blog). We were *incredibly* blessed to be able to PAY OFF our medical bills, set a specified amount aside for future bills, and still have funds left over to purchase a more reliable vehicle.

So there we were at Van Syckle, lured in by advertisements of a huge weekend sale. We met with a salesman about our age who agreed to show us some cars in our price range. They were all decent and okay... and then he brought us to the last one. A Kia Sportage - a cute little SUV with all the safety bells and whistles that made my little heart go pitter-pat. Believe me when I tell you that electronics and horsepower hold little appeal with me... but give me four wheel drive, airbags surrounding me, and electronic stability control, and I'm a happy girl! Not to mention, it even had A/C and cruise control, and while this is just the norm for most American drivers, those were features I'd been long deprived of! :)

We test drove the car, knowing it was waaayyy out of our price range. Knowing it was *exactly* what we wanted, yet likely unattainable. But God knew. And He had us exactly where he wanted us. Joshua ended up having a seizure in the parking lot... and if any of you ever doubted my love for him, you should have been there to see my *real* leather Coach handbag plummet into a mud puddle in my haste to catch him. Just sayin'! Anyway, it turns out the salesman has a history of brain tumors in his family, and he understood what we were going through. To this day, we are now friends with he and his wife. And the car? It was priced at about $11,000 more than what we had to spend. But a few hours later... after a lot of bargaining and even more prayer, it was ours. We had to finance about $5000, but within 6 months we owned it free and clear. Exactly what I wanted. Exactly what I asked God for on that Spring day a year and a half before then. God knew what was coming. He knew what we'd go through and how much we'd need reliable transportation. He chose to go above and beyond that and blessed us exponentially. He's cool like that.

~New Name

Some of you may have noticed that for the past year or so, Joshua suddenly began insisting that people call him "Joshua."  He no longer goes by "Josh," and quite frankly, it irks him when people call him that.  There is a story behind it, and rather than relay the information, I am going to record a letter that my mother wrote to him on August 19, 2010.  She believed God had spoken to her about Joshua's name and its purpose in his life:

I was just going to tell you this when you came home [from MA] but the Lord is prompting me to write it down.  I have always wondered at the fact that Abraham waited 25 years for Isaac to be born - from age 75 to 100.  Awhile ago, I asked God why at age 100 did he finally receive his son - why not at age 80 or 90?  Why after 25 years did it finally happen?  I know he was growing all those years spiritually, but what finally put him over the top?  I believe the Lord showed me that at age 99 God changed his name.  Abram means "high, exalted father," but God changed it to Abraham "father of a multitude."  I think the difference was that everytime he heard his name "Abraham," he heard "father of a multitude" over and over, until he just believed it.

I don't know why your mom named you Joshua, but I believe it was the prompting of the Lord for this season in your life.  I was reviewing over my Beth Moore Inheritance [Bible study] Session 4 this morning, and I saw the explanation for the name "Joshua."  Your name means "Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers."  I believe God had your mom and dad name you Joshua as a verbal prompt to increase your faith during this time.  Everytime someone speaks your name, they are declaring that Almighty God Himself is saving and delivering you.  Just like Abraham's new name increased his faith in what God could do for him, your name can cause your faith to grow in the fact that you are going to be fine.  You are not saved and delivered by man, but by God Himself.  Yawheh - the name that was so holy, the Jews did not speak it.  The name that you learned [on Rob Bell's Breathe DVD] was the breath of God.  Beth [Moore] said that Joshua was the first name in which "Yawheh" was added into a name.  So even if a total unbeliever or the most sinful man on earth were to call out, "Hey, Joshua!" in greeting to you, they would be declaring that it is Yawheh who saves and delivers you!!!  Meditate on your name for awhile, and everytime you hear someone speak it, remember . . . "Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers."  I am going to try and remember to call you Joshua and not Josh.  May your name be your testimony for the rest of your long life, just as Abraham's new name was for him!  Joshua - Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers!  Joshua - Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers!

Wow.  Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers.  On February 8, 1985, as two parents gazed down at their adorable little boy and named him Joshua James Neagle, little did they know that the name was divinely inspired by God for such a time as this.

~Something To It

During the seven weeks of Radiation, Joshua met with the Radiation Oncologist at least once a week. I was with him for some of the appointments, and like any other medical professional, Joshua was always eager to tell Dr. Garren about how Jesus was his "superhero" and would take care of him. I had actually noticed that Joshua continually referenced Jesus, as opposed to God, whenever he spoke with Dr. Garren, but at the time, I did not think too much of it.  At one appointment, Dr. Garren told us about his first miracle patient. A young woman had been through one cycle of Radiation Therapy. Unfortunately, not only had it not worked, but another tumor had formed.  As the doctor relayed the bad news that there was nothing else he could do to help her, she and her family silently cried. She left his office that day, and he assumed she would be dead within three months.  Not sure how to spend her remaining days, she decided to help someone worse off than herself, and she became a caretaker for an elderly individual who was dying.   After their death a few months later, the girl was still feeling well, so she proceeded to care for another terminally ill patient.  She was still alive, so why not?  During this time, she also found meaning and value in life through a relationship with God. In a miraculous turn off events, she continued to live, and tests eventually revealed that both tumors had disappeared.  She told Dr. Garren that when she gave her life to Christ, He, in His mercy, gave her more time. Joshua's doctor had met many Christians throughout his career. Some were healed, and some died clinging to their faith in Christ, but he said that they all impressed him with their joy and positive outlook.

At one particular appointment, Dr. Garren was discussing a book he was writing, and he advised Joshua that if his hair-loss prevention technique worked and Joshua's hair came back completely, he might be a case study in the book.  Joshua persisted in telling him that he would not only keep his hair, but that he would also live a regular lifespan. The doctor advised that maybe Joshua would be one of the miracle patients that he would write about, and Joshua agreed that it would be alright, under one condition: that he give credit to Jesus. At that point, Dr. Garren became serious, and remarked, "You know, I'm Jewish, but the more I see and hear, the more I'm starting to think that there might really be something to Jesus." Instant chills. All the times Joshua had talked about Christ . . . little had he realized how strategic his wording had been, how much God was truly speaking through him.  It just goes to show how extravagantly God loves us. So much that He will allow His beloved children to experience a horrible diagnosis that places them directly in the path of a doctor who desperately needs to hear that there is something to Jesus. You just never know. I do not know the future, but I have faith that one day Dr. Garren will call Jesus his Savior, and God will have used the faith and obedience of many brave patients to help make it happen.  That day reminded me that we never really know just how much God could be working through a situation.  Our worst nightmares can be used according to His plan.  He can take a scary, terrible situation and turn it into something beautiful.

~Little Miracles

Joshua's Radiation and Chemotheraphy treatments were scheduled, and we came home to Maine to relax for the next two weeks.  I began to feverishly browse the employment listings.  I knew I needed to find something full-time, with a salary close to or higher than my current, and with excellent benefits.  My health insurance plan with Wells Fargo Financial was amazing, and it was a concern that I would not be able to find a plan that willingly covered frequent Chemotherapy treatments and MRI's.

Joshua spent the next two weeks relaxing and gearing up for 7 rigorous weeks of Radiation Therapy.  One Friday afternoon while I was working, he joined my mother as she ran some errands.  All day he had been craving a chocolate glazed doughnut from Frank's Bakery.  For those of you not from Bangor, Frank's is a-m-a-z-i-n-g.  Everything there is delicious!  However, their chocolate glazed doughnuts are our absolute favorite (with the bismarks being a close second) . . . they also apparently happen to be a favorite of many other locals.  I have called before at 9:00 a.m., and they are already sold out.  Therefore, Joshua knew that on a Friday afternoon, they were likely long gone.  Joshua prayed and prayed all during the errands that Frank's would have the special treat, and when my mother asked if she could get him anything to eat, he told her exactly what he wanted.  She was doubtful that they would ever have any, but not wanting to disappoint him, she drove there anywhere.

When Joshua walked into Frank's, lo and behold, there was a tray FULL of chocolate glazed doughnuts!  Freshly baked!  I am sure my mom's jaw hit the floor as she watched Joshua happily order the dessert he had prayed all day for.  In the grand scheme of things, it was only a doughnut.  But I love this story, because it is a reminder that God cares about every aspect of our lives.  He is not only present during the storm and our greatest trials, but he is also the God of our daily lives.  Our littlest desires and thoughts are important to Him.  And on that day, the Creator of the Universe, the God of all . . . simply desired to perform a mini miracle and bless a man in Bangor, Maine with his favorite doughnut.  How cool is God?

~Diagnosis

A week after the surgery, we returned to the Lahey Brain Tumor Clinic for the results of the biopsy. We were told that Joshua had a Grade 3 Primary Brain Tumor, and while I will not go into the long medical name, this basically means that it was a malignant, medium-level tumor that originated in the brain. As soon as I heard the doctor say "Grade 3", I began to tear up, because I had been so hoping that it was not cancer. However, in some ways, that is almost better, as benign brain tumors oftentimes grow just as much but do not repond as well to treatment.

There were two doctors in the meeting, and they began to debate the various treatment options. One doctor suggested starting with Chemotherapy, while the other one recommended both that and Radiation. Chemo alone seemed like the "easy" option, as there are less side-affects and long-term difficulties, but we at least wanted to hear a little more about our other choices. As they paged a Radiation Oncologist to come speak with us, I began to panic inside . . . what should we do? Which treatment was more effective? One doctor was adamant that we only start with Chemo, while the other one thought it was best to complete both.

After spending about two minutes with the Radiation Oncologist, we had all made our decision regarding treatment. He was one of those people that you instantly like - just a great guy. He was personable, intelligent, and, most importantly, optomistic. He gave us the rundown of the process and side effects, all while assuring us that Joshua was going to live. He advised that Joshua's young age was the single most important factor in his prognosis. While many people shy away from radiation because of the long-term hair loss, he assured Joshua that he had developed a procedure that might save his hair. He would likely lose it all initially, but the goal was for his hair to completely grow back. He said so many encouraging things to us . . . I literally could never say enough positive things about him. I later found out that he is nationally renowned and has been voted one of Boston's best doctors multiple years in a row.  What a blessing it was to have him as a doctor!

We left that meeting encouraged and ready to fight against the tumor with all guns blazing. We had decided on a year of Chemotherapy, along with 7 weeks of Radiation in MA. We did not know how exactly everything would work out, as I still had a job and had to work until September, all while interviewing for a new position. We also did not have a way to drive back and forth from MA to ME very often, as we owned a 1998 Dodge Neon that constantly overheated and broke down whenever we attempted to drive it more than 20 minutes away. Lastly, we had the obstacle of how Joshua would get to the Radiation appointments each weekday. Lahey is about 15 minutes away from where we were staying with his grandparents, both of which were unavailable to drive him each day, and Joshua could not drive at that time because of the seizures. We had two weeks to figure it all out before the treatments began. Thankfully, we had God . . . and He had a plan.

~God's Peace in the Midst of the Attack

Joshua spent the night after surgery in the PAC-U and was sent to a private room after that. We had just gotten him settled in his room and were discussing his medication with the nurse, when Joshua suddenly had another large seizure. Talk about dramatic . . . The nurse lunged forward to catch his fall, all while screaming for me to press a code button on the wall. Employees came running from all over, and two medical assistants ended up helping Joshua's nurse. Once the attack had subsided and Joshua was able talk again, he was abnormally quiet and appeared upset. I eventually learned that he had remained fully aware throughout the entire seizure, and unlike the two before then, he could remember everything that happened. He was shocked to realize that right before it occurred, his mind felt like it was going crazy, and he was plagued with wild, violent thoughts. He remembered reaching up to knock items off the wall and thinking, "If this is the end, I'm going out with a bang!" He wanted hit something. Once the seizure began, his muscles tensed, and he was unable to move on his own or think rational thoughts. Even worse, he also remembered thinking the same kinds of thoughts before the seizure prior to this one, but he had not realized it until after this third seizure.

I remember being quite alarmed by his confession and concerned that he might eventually become violent towards people during a seizure. I went back to the hotel that night and researched it on the internet.  I found that many people become angry, irritable, or more aggressive during a seizure - some even try to bite objects and other people! Apparently, your brain is stressed and does not understand what is happening, so it may react this way. Other people sometimes experience extreme fear or nausea - there are all sorts of strange symptoms. I felt better knowing that this was common, but I still worried that Joshua might hurt himself or someone else during a seizure.

Joshua was very upset and concerned that the thoughts were potentially demonic, and he began to beg God to take them away. Throughout the next couple of weeks, he had a few more seizures that produced crazy, frantic thoughts. Right before the attacks came on, he could feel his mind running wild with thoughts of teleporting, aggression, and other manic, unrealistic ideas. He literally felt as though he was losing his mind for a few seconds before the seizures actually began. Unfortunately, medical science says that many people experience crazy thoughts or feelings because of the irregular brain activity from the seizure. Science says that there is nothing we can do to stop it . . . God says differently. Joshua began to pray out loud whenever he felt an attack coming on. When he felt himself losing the ability to speak in full sentences, he simply repeated the name Jesus until the seizure began. I am not exaggerating one iota when I report that all of the wild thoughts completely left when Joshua began to pray. Not one crazy or aggressive idea entered his mind, and he has been protected since. Even more amazing is that Joshua has noticed a correlation between his prayers and the intensity of a seizure. If he has been busy and prays minimally before an attack, it is typically quite intense. On the other hand, if he stops everything and spends time asking God to calm his mind, the seizures are typically much smaller, and sometimes they never even end up occurring. Yet again, it is impossible to control a seizure, the level of intensity, or your thoughts while having one. Completely impossible . . . except for when God intervenes!

When I look back at the past year, I am in awe of what God has done for us. Yes, it was hard. Yes, seizures just plain suck. Yes, we received a fear-inducing diagnosis (that will be my next blog). However, the ways in which God has intervened and blessed us throughout it all are absolutely mind-blowing. Seizures and wearing a sling for a month humbled Joshua. He had always been quite proud of his strength, endurance, and ability to work hard. Being stripped of some of this for a period forced him to completely rely on God. During seizures, he lacks the ability to control his body OR mind, but God has proved so faithful. He has done the "impossible", and it has only strengthened our faith and love for Him. It has definitely been tough, but these are the experiences that I would not trade for anything.  I am convinced that God is faithful to us . . . always.