~God's Peace in the Midst of the Attack

Joshua spent the night after surgery in the PAC-U and was sent to a private room after that. We had just gotten him settled in his room and were discussing his medication with the nurse, when Joshua suddenly had another large seizure. Talk about dramatic . . . The nurse lunged forward to catch his fall, all while screaming for me to press a code button on the wall. Employees came running from all over, and two medical assistants ended up helping Joshua's nurse. Once the attack had subsided and Joshua was able talk again, he was abnormally quiet and appeared upset. I eventually learned that he had remained fully aware throughout the entire seizure, and unlike the two before then, he could remember everything that happened. He was shocked to realize that right before it occurred, his mind felt like it was going crazy, and he was plagued with wild, violent thoughts. He remembered reaching up to knock items off the wall and thinking, "If this is the end, I'm going out with a bang!" He wanted hit something. Once the seizure began, his muscles tensed, and he was unable to move on his own or think rational thoughts. Even worse, he also remembered thinking the same kinds of thoughts before the seizure prior to this one, but he had not realized it until after this third seizure.

I remember being quite alarmed by his confession and concerned that he might eventually become violent towards people during a seizure. I went back to the hotel that night and researched it on the internet.  I found that many people become angry, irritable, or more aggressive during a seizure - some even try to bite objects and other people! Apparently, your brain is stressed and does not understand what is happening, so it may react this way. Other people sometimes experience extreme fear or nausea - there are all sorts of strange symptoms. I felt better knowing that this was common, but I still worried that Joshua might hurt himself or someone else during a seizure.

Joshua was very upset and concerned that the thoughts were potentially demonic, and he began to beg God to take them away. Throughout the next couple of weeks, he had a few more seizures that produced crazy, frantic thoughts. Right before the attacks came on, he could feel his mind running wild with thoughts of teleporting, aggression, and other manic, unrealistic ideas. He literally felt as though he was losing his mind for a few seconds before the seizures actually began. Unfortunately, medical science says that many people experience crazy thoughts or feelings because of the irregular brain activity from the seizure. Science says that there is nothing we can do to stop it . . . God says differently. Joshua began to pray out loud whenever he felt an attack coming on. When he felt himself losing the ability to speak in full sentences, he simply repeated the name Jesus until the seizure began. I am not exaggerating one iota when I report that all of the wild thoughts completely left when Joshua began to pray. Not one crazy or aggressive idea entered his mind, and he has been protected since. Even more amazing is that Joshua has noticed a correlation between his prayers and the intensity of a seizure. If he has been busy and prays minimally before an attack, it is typically quite intense. On the other hand, if he stops everything and spends time asking God to calm his mind, the seizures are typically much smaller, and sometimes they never even end up occurring. Yet again, it is impossible to control a seizure, the level of intensity, or your thoughts while having one. Completely impossible . . . except for when God intervenes!

When I look back at the past year, I am in awe of what God has done for us. Yes, it was hard. Yes, seizures just plain suck. Yes, we received a fear-inducing diagnosis (that will be my next blog). However, the ways in which God has intervened and blessed us throughout it all are absolutely mind-blowing. Seizures and wearing a sling for a month humbled Joshua. He had always been quite proud of his strength, endurance, and ability to work hard. Being stripped of some of this for a period forced him to completely rely on God. During seizures, he lacks the ability to control his body OR mind, but God has proved so faithful. He has done the "impossible", and it has only strengthened our faith and love for Him. It has definitely been tough, but these are the experiences that I would not trade for anything.  I am convinced that God is faithful to us . . . always.