~Preparing for the Fight

Ironically, about a month before everything started with Joshua, out of nowhere, I was tempted with a paralyzing fear of cancer.  For about two weeks, at various times, I could practically hear a taunting voice in my head saying, "What if you got cancer?   What if you died from it?!".  Since I am young and relatively healthy, this is not something that I had really considered much, but the temptation to fear came at me with a vengeance.  I prayed constantly and told God I trusted Him. However, one evening as I was praying, I felt as though I really needed to "deal" with this fear head-on.  In Believing God, Beth talks about a time when God asked her to talk through her worst fear, then determine what she would do if it all came to pass.  She relayed the fear of her husband leaving her for another women - a younger woman - one that her daughters both adored.  She poured out her worst nightmare to God, and once she confessed it all, she determined that even if the worst happened, she would cry and mourn . . . but then she would get up, compose herself, and continue to live her life for God.

That evening, before God, I poured out every fear that I had been tempted with regarding cancer.  I literally got on my knees and sobbed.  What if the worst happened?   I cried and told God that though I might not understand it, I would continue to believe Him.   I would live my life trying my best to do His will, and at the end, nothing else would matter, because God would be with me and take care of me.

Once I dealt with everything openly and honestly before God, the taunting fear disappeared.   Of course, we all want to live healthy, prosperous lives with only a few minor bumps in the road.   But once you truly reconcile yourself to trust God no matter what, even the biggest threats do not seem so horrible.   Once again, I determined that nothing will happen to me outside of God's knowledge and permission, and I would continue to believe Him.

Since then, I have looked back at that night countless times and shuddered at the thought of what might have happened had I not dealt with that temptation to fear.   Satan is not stupid, and he likely knew that the biggest test of my life thus far was right around the corner.   I am convinced that his plan was to plant seeds of fear that would ultimate destroy my faith and peace later on down the road.   But God knew.   He was preparing me, and it is only proof of his perfect timing.  He will never test us with more than we can handle, and as I soon found out, He always supplies us with the grace to persevere through the hardest trials of life.