At Joshua's appointment in MA, we learned that the abnormality was likely a tumor, and surgery was scheduled about two weeks out. During the next two weeks, Joshua spent a lot of time relaxing, as the seizure medicine he was taking caused a lot of side effects and flu-like symptoms. During this time, he meditated on a passage that he believes God specifically gave him for that period in his life: Psalm 27. While visiting Joshua at EMMC, our friend Jonathan asked if he could read him anything, as the two spinal taps produced severe headaches that made reading difficult. Joshua had last read a passage in I Chronicles 22, and he asked Jonathan to start there. After completing that chapter, Jonathan felt compelled, for whatever reason (obviously God!), to read Psalm 27. Ironically, they later observed in the footnotes that the passage in Chronicles and Psalm 27 were linked, which makes it even more interesting that Jonathan chose that particular section to read. As Joshua listened to the chapter, he knew it was meant to be an encouragement during this time of confusion, and the detailed ways in which it related to our situation was uncanny:
Psalm 27:
Psalm 27:
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
Joshua felt that these verses directly related to the attacks that were coming at us from all angles. The seizures were frightening and confusing for him. Medical bills were accumulating, and we were facing the threat of Joshua not being able to return to his line of work. We knew that a malignant tumor was likely, and although we were unaware, there was yet another attack (concerning my job) on the horizon. We felt as though Satan was firing from all directions.
4 One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
Verses 4-6 speak about security in Christ. We knew that God was taking care of us, and we reminded ourselves of these verses often. After seizures and during the most lonely moments, we pounded these Scriptures into our heads. We were not strong enough to withstand on our own, but with Christ as our protecter, we knew we could face anything.
7 Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
This was Joshua's call to spend time with God. He certainly had the downtime to do this. Last summer, Joshua spent countless hours praying and filled journals with his experiences and what God was showing him through them. He knew that during that time, God was asking him to slow down and absorb His Word.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
This verse was wildly accurate, yet incredibly painful for Joshua. He truly experienced this, as he felt as though even his parents betrayed him during the most trying time of his life. Without disrespecting my in-laws by going into excessive details, I will admit that they have lived a rough lifestyle of addiction and bondage. Unfortunately, the substances that held them captive were often times more important than anything else, including their family. Instead of rallying around Joshua and supporting him, they barely even contacted him to see how he was feeling. Even worse, a few days before surgery, they called asking to borrow $500.00. I was disgusted by their blatant disregard for Joshua and felt completely abandoned by them. However, I am confident that this experience only aided in Joshua growing closer in his relationship with God. It also opened the door for some frank conversations with his dad that helped strengthen their relationship just a year before his father's passing (in due time, I will share that whole story).
11 Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
This last passage set the stage for evaluation and redirection. Joshua did not know what exactly was in the future, but he knew that God was calling him to something different -- he knew that some changes were inevitable. He began to seek God for guidance and asked him to prepare his heart for whatever was in store. I also remind myself of the last verse quite often. Throughout the past year, and even now when we go for regular MRI's, I know that I need to wait on God. I am compelled to remain faithful to Him and trust His plan.
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
Joshua felt that these verses directly related to the attacks that were coming at us from all angles. The seizures were frightening and confusing for him. Medical bills were accumulating, and we were facing the threat of Joshua not being able to return to his line of work. We knew that a malignant tumor was likely, and although we were unaware, there was yet another attack (concerning my job) on the horizon. We felt as though Satan was firing from all directions.
4 One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
Verses 4-6 speak about security in Christ. We knew that God was taking care of us, and we reminded ourselves of these verses often. After seizures and during the most lonely moments, we pounded these Scriptures into our heads. We were not strong enough to withstand on our own, but with Christ as our protecter, we knew we could face anything.
7 Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
This was Joshua's call to spend time with God. He certainly had the downtime to do this. Last summer, Joshua spent countless hours praying and filled journals with his experiences and what God was showing him through them. He knew that during that time, God was asking him to slow down and absorb His Word.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
This verse was wildly accurate, yet incredibly painful for Joshua. He truly experienced this, as he felt as though even his parents betrayed him during the most trying time of his life. Without disrespecting my in-laws by going into excessive details, I will admit that they have lived a rough lifestyle of addiction and bondage. Unfortunately, the substances that held them captive were often times more important than anything else, including their family. Instead of rallying around Joshua and supporting him, they barely even contacted him to see how he was feeling. Even worse, a few days before surgery, they called asking to borrow $500.00. I was disgusted by their blatant disregard for Joshua and felt completely abandoned by them. However, I am confident that this experience only aided in Joshua growing closer in his relationship with God. It also opened the door for some frank conversations with his dad that helped strengthen their relationship just a year before his father's passing (in due time, I will share that whole story).
11 Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
This last passage set the stage for evaluation and redirection. Joshua did not know what exactly was in the future, but he knew that God was calling him to something different -- he knew that some changes were inevitable. He began to seek God for guidance and asked him to prepare his heart for whatever was in store. I also remind myself of the last verse quite often. Throughout the past year, and even now when we go for regular MRI's, I know that I need to wait on God. I am compelled to remain faithful to Him and trust His plan.
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