~Still Believing

Two days after Joshua was discharged from EMMC, we were preparing to eat dinner at my parents house when Joshua's Neurologist called. Up until this point, he had reassured us that he was almost positive the abnormality showing on the MRI was an infection that would eventually clear up. There was little discussion of any other possibilities, although he had advised us that it was possible it was something more serious. The previous week, he had sent Joshua's scan to the Lahey Clinic in Burlington, MA for a second opinion, and because he believed they would confirm his opinion.

I walked into the room where Joshua was to see what the Neurologist was saying.  Joshua looked up at me in shock and said, "MA thinks it is most likely a tumor, and they want me to go there Friday." I felt my ears begin to ring, and I was suddenly nauseous. I literally dropped to the floor and began to sob, as my parents came rushing in to see what all the commotion was about. I remember looking up and and seeing my mom's face immediately turn ashen when she heard the report. I felt as though my entire world had crashed around me at those dreaded words.

As Joshua proceeded to confirm the appointment in MA and make plans to travel there, I sat out on my parents porch in confusion. I felt numb. As I sat there, I could literally feel myself begin to check out emotionally. I was done; this was just too much. I would harden myself against this. I could handle a brain infection. I could deal with seizures. However, the potential of a brain tumor was just too much. Without even consciously realizing it, I began to sink into denial, giving way to the numbness.

All of a sudden, as I sat there, I heard God speak to me, "You can numb yourself to all of this and refuse to face it. You'll be quite successful at it. OR you can choose, again, to believe me." Those words whispered to my heart struck me. Without even being fully aware of it, I had been shutting down emotionally, relying on my own strength to get by. Once again, I started to cry, as I recalled my initial promise in the ER to believe God. No, I could not afford to shut down now. There was no way I would make it through this without Him. Once again, I told God that I would believe Him. I would trust him, regardless of what the doctors in MA said. Come what may, I was determined to continue believing Him.