~New Name

Some of you may have noticed that for the past year or so, Joshua suddenly began insisting that people call him "Joshua."  He no longer goes by "Josh," and quite frankly, it irks him when people call him that.  There is a story behind it, and rather than relay the information, I am going to record a letter that my mother wrote to him on August 19, 2010.  She believed God had spoken to her about Joshua's name and its purpose in his life:

I was just going to tell you this when you came home [from MA] but the Lord is prompting me to write it down.  I have always wondered at the fact that Abraham waited 25 years for Isaac to be born - from age 75 to 100.  Awhile ago, I asked God why at age 100 did he finally receive his son - why not at age 80 or 90?  Why after 25 years did it finally happen?  I know he was growing all those years spiritually, but what finally put him over the top?  I believe the Lord showed me that at age 99 God changed his name.  Abram means "high, exalted father," but God changed it to Abraham "father of a multitude."  I think the difference was that everytime he heard his name "Abraham," he heard "father of a multitude" over and over, until he just believed it.

I don't know why your mom named you Joshua, but I believe it was the prompting of the Lord for this season in your life.  I was reviewing over my Beth Moore Inheritance [Bible study] Session 4 this morning, and I saw the explanation for the name "Joshua."  Your name means "Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers."  I believe God had your mom and dad name you Joshua as a verbal prompt to increase your faith during this time.  Everytime someone speaks your name, they are declaring that Almighty God Himself is saving and delivering you.  Just like Abraham's new name increased his faith in what God could do for him, your name can cause your faith to grow in the fact that you are going to be fine.  You are not saved and delivered by man, but by God Himself.  Yawheh - the name that was so holy, the Jews did not speak it.  The name that you learned [on Rob Bell's Breathe DVD] was the breath of God.  Beth [Moore] said that Joshua was the first name in which "Yawheh" was added into a name.  So even if a total unbeliever or the most sinful man on earth were to call out, "Hey, Joshua!" in greeting to you, they would be declaring that it is Yawheh who saves and delivers you!!!  Meditate on your name for awhile, and everytime you hear someone speak it, remember . . . "Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers."  I am going to try and remember to call you Joshua and not Josh.  May your name be your testimony for the rest of your long life, just as Abraham's new name was for him!  Joshua - Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers!  Joshua - Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers!

Wow.  Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers.  On February 8, 1985, as two parents gazed down at their adorable little boy and named him Joshua James Neagle, little did they know that the name was divinely inspired by God for such a time as this.

~Something To It

During the seven weeks of Radiation, Joshua met with the Radiation Oncologist at least once a week. I was with him for some of the appointments, and like any other medical professional, Joshua was always eager to tell Dr. Garren about how Jesus was his "superhero" and would take care of him. I had actually noticed that Joshua continually referenced Jesus, as opposed to God, whenever he spoke with Dr. Garren, but at the time, I did not think too much of it.  At one appointment, Dr. Garren told us about his first miracle patient. A young woman had been through one cycle of Radiation Therapy. Unfortunately, not only had it not worked, but another tumor had formed.  As the doctor relayed the bad news that there was nothing else he could do to help her, she and her family silently cried. She left his office that day, and he assumed she would be dead within three months.  Not sure how to spend her remaining days, she decided to help someone worse off than herself, and she became a caretaker for an elderly individual who was dying.   After their death a few months later, the girl was still feeling well, so she proceeded to care for another terminally ill patient.  She was still alive, so why not?  During this time, she also found meaning and value in life through a relationship with God. In a miraculous turn off events, she continued to live, and tests eventually revealed that both tumors had disappeared.  She told Dr. Garren that when she gave her life to Christ, He, in His mercy, gave her more time. Joshua's doctor had met many Christians throughout his career. Some were healed, and some died clinging to their faith in Christ, but he said that they all impressed him with their joy and positive outlook.

At one particular appointment, Dr. Garren was discussing a book he was writing, and he advised Joshua that if his hair-loss prevention technique worked and Joshua's hair came back completely, he might be a case study in the book.  Joshua persisted in telling him that he would not only keep his hair, but that he would also live a regular lifespan. The doctor advised that maybe Joshua would be one of the miracle patients that he would write about, and Joshua agreed that it would be alright, under one condition: that he give credit to Jesus. At that point, Dr. Garren became serious, and remarked, "You know, I'm Jewish, but the more I see and hear, the more I'm starting to think that there might really be something to Jesus." Instant chills. All the times Joshua had talked about Christ . . . little had he realized how strategic his wording had been, how much God was truly speaking through him.  It just goes to show how extravagantly God loves us. So much that He will allow His beloved children to experience a horrible diagnosis that places them directly in the path of a doctor who desperately needs to hear that there is something to Jesus. You just never know. I do not know the future, but I have faith that one day Dr. Garren will call Jesus his Savior, and God will have used the faith and obedience of many brave patients to help make it happen.  That day reminded me that we never really know just how much God could be working through a situation.  Our worst nightmares can be used according to His plan.  He can take a scary, terrible situation and turn it into something beautiful.

~Little Miracles

Joshua's Radiation and Chemotheraphy treatments were scheduled, and we came home to Maine to relax for the next two weeks.  I began to feverishly browse the employment listings.  I knew I needed to find something full-time, with a salary close to or higher than my current, and with excellent benefits.  My health insurance plan with Wells Fargo Financial was amazing, and it was a concern that I would not be able to find a plan that willingly covered frequent Chemotherapy treatments and MRI's.

Joshua spent the next two weeks relaxing and gearing up for 7 rigorous weeks of Radiation Therapy.  One Friday afternoon while I was working, he joined my mother as she ran some errands.  All day he had been craving a chocolate glazed doughnut from Frank's Bakery.  For those of you not from Bangor, Frank's is a-m-a-z-i-n-g.  Everything there is delicious!  However, their chocolate glazed doughnuts are our absolute favorite (with the bismarks being a close second) . . . they also apparently happen to be a favorite of many other locals.  I have called before at 9:00 a.m., and they are already sold out.  Therefore, Joshua knew that on a Friday afternoon, they were likely long gone.  Joshua prayed and prayed all during the errands that Frank's would have the special treat, and when my mother asked if she could get him anything to eat, he told her exactly what he wanted.  She was doubtful that they would ever have any, but not wanting to disappoint him, she drove there anywhere.

When Joshua walked into Frank's, lo and behold, there was a tray FULL of chocolate glazed doughnuts!  Freshly baked!  I am sure my mom's jaw hit the floor as she watched Joshua happily order the dessert he had prayed all day for.  In the grand scheme of things, it was only a doughnut.  But I love this story, because it is a reminder that God cares about every aspect of our lives.  He is not only present during the storm and our greatest trials, but he is also the God of our daily lives.  Our littlest desires and thoughts are important to Him.  And on that day, the Creator of the Universe, the God of all . . . simply desired to perform a mini miracle and bless a man in Bangor, Maine with his favorite doughnut.  How cool is God?

~Diagnosis

A week after the surgery, we returned to the Lahey Brain Tumor Clinic for the results of the biopsy. We were told that Joshua had a Grade 3 Primary Brain Tumor, and while I will not go into the long medical name, this basically means that it was a malignant, medium-level tumor that originated in the brain. As soon as I heard the doctor say "Grade 3", I began to tear up, because I had been so hoping that it was not cancer. However, in some ways, that is almost better, as benign brain tumors oftentimes grow just as much but do not repond as well to treatment.

There were two doctors in the meeting, and they began to debate the various treatment options. One doctor suggested starting with Chemotherapy, while the other one recommended both that and Radiation. Chemo alone seemed like the "easy" option, as there are less side-affects and long-term difficulties, but we at least wanted to hear a little more about our other choices. As they paged a Radiation Oncologist to come speak with us, I began to panic inside . . . what should we do? Which treatment was more effective? One doctor was adamant that we only start with Chemo, while the other one thought it was best to complete both.

After spending about two minutes with the Radiation Oncologist, we had all made our decision regarding treatment. He was one of those people that you instantly like - just a great guy. He was personable, intelligent, and, most importantly, optomistic. He gave us the rundown of the process and side effects, all while assuring us that Joshua was going to live. He advised that Joshua's young age was the single most important factor in his prognosis. While many people shy away from radiation because of the long-term hair loss, he assured Joshua that he had developed a procedure that might save his hair. He would likely lose it all initially, but the goal was for his hair to completely grow back. He said so many encouraging things to us . . . I literally could never say enough positive things about him. I later found out that he is nationally renowned and has been voted one of Boston's best doctors multiple years in a row.  What a blessing it was to have him as a doctor!

We left that meeting encouraged and ready to fight against the tumor with all guns blazing. We had decided on a year of Chemotherapy, along with 7 weeks of Radiation in MA. We did not know how exactly everything would work out, as I still had a job and had to work until September, all while interviewing for a new position. We also did not have a way to drive back and forth from MA to ME very often, as we owned a 1998 Dodge Neon that constantly overheated and broke down whenever we attempted to drive it more than 20 minutes away. Lastly, we had the obstacle of how Joshua would get to the Radiation appointments each weekday. Lahey is about 15 minutes away from where we were staying with his grandparents, both of which were unavailable to drive him each day, and Joshua could not drive at that time because of the seizures. We had two weeks to figure it all out before the treatments began. Thankfully, we had God . . . and He had a plan.

~God's Peace in the Midst of the Attack

Joshua spent the night after surgery in the PAC-U and was sent to a private room after that. We had just gotten him settled in his room and were discussing his medication with the nurse, when Joshua suddenly had another large seizure. Talk about dramatic . . . The nurse lunged forward to catch his fall, all while screaming for me to press a code button on the wall. Employees came running from all over, and two medical assistants ended up helping Joshua's nurse. Once the attack had subsided and Joshua was able talk again, he was abnormally quiet and appeared upset. I eventually learned that he had remained fully aware throughout the entire seizure, and unlike the two before then, he could remember everything that happened. He was shocked to realize that right before it occurred, his mind felt like it was going crazy, and he was plagued with wild, violent thoughts. He remembered reaching up to knock items off the wall and thinking, "If this is the end, I'm going out with a bang!" He wanted hit something. Once the seizure began, his muscles tensed, and he was unable to move on his own or think rational thoughts. Even worse, he also remembered thinking the same kinds of thoughts before the seizure prior to this one, but he had not realized it until after this third seizure.

I remember being quite alarmed by his confession and concerned that he might eventually become violent towards people during a seizure. I went back to the hotel that night and researched it on the internet.  I found that many people become angry, irritable, or more aggressive during a seizure - some even try to bite objects and other people! Apparently, your brain is stressed and does not understand what is happening, so it may react this way. Other people sometimes experience extreme fear or nausea - there are all sorts of strange symptoms. I felt better knowing that this was common, but I still worried that Joshua might hurt himself or someone else during a seizure.

Joshua was very upset and concerned that the thoughts were potentially demonic, and he began to beg God to take them away. Throughout the next couple of weeks, he had a few more seizures that produced crazy, frantic thoughts. Right before the attacks came on, he could feel his mind running wild with thoughts of teleporting, aggression, and other manic, unrealistic ideas. He literally felt as though he was losing his mind for a few seconds before the seizures actually began. Unfortunately, medical science says that many people experience crazy thoughts or feelings because of the irregular brain activity from the seizure. Science says that there is nothing we can do to stop it . . . God says differently. Joshua began to pray out loud whenever he felt an attack coming on. When he felt himself losing the ability to speak in full sentences, he simply repeated the name Jesus until the seizure began. I am not exaggerating one iota when I report that all of the wild thoughts completely left when Joshua began to pray. Not one crazy or aggressive idea entered his mind, and he has been protected since. Even more amazing is that Joshua has noticed a correlation between his prayers and the intensity of a seizure. If he has been busy and prays minimally before an attack, it is typically quite intense. On the other hand, if he stops everything and spends time asking God to calm his mind, the seizures are typically much smaller, and sometimes they never even end up occurring. Yet again, it is impossible to control a seizure, the level of intensity, or your thoughts while having one. Completely impossible . . . except for when God intervenes!

When I look back at the past year, I am in awe of what God has done for us. Yes, it was hard. Yes, seizures just plain suck. Yes, we received a fear-inducing diagnosis (that will be my next blog). However, the ways in which God has intervened and blessed us throughout it all are absolutely mind-blowing. Seizures and wearing a sling for a month humbled Joshua. He had always been quite proud of his strength, endurance, and ability to work hard. Being stripped of some of this for a period forced him to completely rely on God. During seizures, he lacks the ability to control his body OR mind, but God has proved so faithful. He has done the "impossible", and it has only strengthened our faith and love for Him. It has definitely been tough, but these are the experiences that I would not trade for anything.  I am convinced that God is faithful to us . . . always.

~Surgery

On July 7, 2010, Joshua and I, along with my mom, drove to MA to prepare for the surgery / brain biopsy the following day. We attempted to keep the conversation light-hearted and optimistic and not focus on the next day. We were about halfway there, when I started receiving panicked text messages from a co-worker. Our office had been called into an emergency conference call, and the news was stunning: all 638 Wells Fargo Financial stores in the US were closing by the beginning of September. Within two months, we would all be left without jobs. WFF was primarily located in the West, so there were no banks to relocate to.

I remember staring at the text messages, relaying the news to Joshua and my mom, and promptly bursting out in hysterical laughter. What else could I do? I think my poor mother thought I had lost my mind, but at this point, my sweet husband was having brain surgery the next day; I could not have cared less about my employment status! I remember silently telling God that I had no clue what He was during, but I was determined to trust Him. If He wanted me to lose my job, then so be it . . . something better would come.

Through all that time of attacks, it actually become easy to believe God. But for Him, I had no hope. I could not have survived it without His strength; I truly had no choice but to trust Him.

The day of the surgery, July 8th, was rough for me. I was trusting God, but I desperately wanted this chapter to be over. So I was losing my job, and we had accumulating medical bills . . . but could we please not have to deal with a brain tumor?! I begged God and believed for Him to completely heal Joshua. Right before the surgery, Joshua was scheduled to have a higher-tech mapping MRI that would show the surgeon exactly where to operate. Of course, my hope and prayer was that this final MRI would reveal nothing but brain. I even envisioned how I would react when the surgeon informed us that there was no tumor. What an amazing testimony that would be!

While I continued to trust God, the thought of my wonderful husband being subjected to brain surgery was close to terrifying. I truly do not know how people go through issues like these without a faith in God. As Joshua went in for the MRI, I begged God to please let this all be over. Literally 100+ friends, family, and people we had never even met were praying right alongside us for a miracle.

I was permitted to stay with Joshua while they prepped him for surgery. The Anesthesiologist and her Nurse Anesthetist were incredibly comforting and kind to me. They both told me that they would be with Joshua the entire time until he woke up, and that everything would be okay. The Anesthesiologist then took me aside and sweetly told me that she wanted me to go relax and get something to eat. I was probably as pale as a ghost, mainly because they were putting in IV's, and everything about needles and blood makes me queasy. Dr. David, the surgeon, then came to speak with us. He was confident and knowledgeable, and I remember being relieved by his nonchalant attitude. Brain surgery seems like such a complicated procedure, and yet he acted as though it was as simple as driving a car. At that point, his attitude was exactly what I needed to set me at ease. I was still hoping that the MRI would come back with nothing, so my main question was whether he had reviewed the scan yet. He informed me that they were setting it up in the Operating Room then, but that he had not looked at it. He did not realize why I was asking, but I was clinging to the hope of a miracle. As they wheeled Joshua to the OR, I tried to remain composed.

My mom and I migrated to the OR waiting room, where there was a large television screen that continually scrolled through patient's names and their surgery status. Families were able to watch as their loved ones prepared for surgery, entered the OR, woke up in the recovery room, and were transported to the PACU. I sat in anticipation, waiting for a shocked doctor to barge through the door and relay good news. You can imagine my alarm when Joshua's status suddenly changed to OR, and we realized the surgery had begun. I remember tearing up and forcing myself to be okay with the fact that God had not chosen to banish the tumor that day. Joshua was in surgery, but God was right by his side.

~Psalm 27

At Joshua's appointment in MA, we learned that the abnormality was likely a tumor, and surgery was scheduled about two weeks out. During the next two weeks, Joshua spent a lot of time relaxing, as the seizure medicine he was taking caused a lot of side effects and flu-like symptoms. During this time, he meditated on a passage that he believes God specifically gave him for that period in his life: Psalm 27. While visiting Joshua at EMMC, our friend Jonathan asked if he could read him anything, as the two spinal taps produced severe headaches that made reading difficult. Joshua had last read a passage in I Chronicles 22, and he asked Jonathan to start there. After completing that chapter, Jonathan felt compelled, for whatever reason (obviously God!), to read Psalm 27. Ironically, they later observed in the footnotes that the passage in Chronicles and Psalm 27 were linked, which makes it even more interesting that Jonathan chose that particular section to read. As Joshua listened to the chapter, he knew it was meant to be an encouragement during this time of confusion, and the detailed ways in which it related to our situation was uncanny:

Psalm 27:

 

¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid? ² When the wicked advance against me
to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
³ Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

Joshua felt that these verses directly related to the attacks that were coming at us from all angles. The seizures were frightening and confusing for him. Medical bills were accumulating, and we were facing the threat of Joshua not being able to return to his line of work. We knew that a malignant tumor was likely, and although we were unaware, there was yet another attack (concerning my job) on the horizon. We felt as though Satan was firing from all directions.

⁴ One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
⁵ For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
⁶ Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

Verses 4-6 speak about security in Christ. We knew that God was taking care of us, and we reminded ourselves of these verses often. After seizures and during the most lonely moments, we pounded these Scriptures into our heads. We were not strong enough to withstand on our own, but with Christ as our protecter, we knew we could face anything.

⁷ Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior. 

This was Joshua's call to spend time with God. He certainly had the downtime to do this. Last summer, Joshua spent countless hours praying and filled journals with his experiences and what God was showing him through them. He knew that during that time, God was asking him to slow down and absorb His Word.

¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.

This verse was wildly accurate, yet incredibly painful for Joshua. He truly experienced this, as he felt as though even his parents betrayed him during the most trying time of his life. Without disrespecting my in-laws by going into excessive details, I will admit that they have lived a rough lifestyle of addiction and bondage. Unfortunately, the substances that held them captive were often times more important than anything else, including their family. Instead of rallying around Joshua and supporting him, they barely even contacted him to see how he was feeling.  Even worse, a few days before surgery, they called asking to borrow $500.00. I was disgusted by their blatant disregard for Joshua and felt completely abandoned by them. However, I am confident that this experience only aided in Joshua growing closer in his relationship with God. It also opened the door for some frank conversations with his dad that helped strengthen their relationship just a year before his father's passing (in due time, I will share that whole story).

¹¹ Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
¹³ I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

This last passage set the stage for evaluation and redirection. Joshua did not know what exactly was in the future, but he knew that God was calling him to something different -- he knew that some changes were inevitable. He began to seek God for guidance and asked him to prepare his heart for whatever was in store.  I also remind myself of the last verse quite often.  Throughout the past year, and even now when we go for regular MRI's, I know that I need to wait on God.  I am compelled to remain faithful to Him and trust His plan.