~Psalm 27

At Joshua's appointment in MA, we learned that the abnormality was likely a tumor, and surgery was scheduled about two weeks out. During the next two weeks, Joshua spent a lot of time relaxing, as the seizure medicine he was taking caused a lot of side effects and flu-like symptoms. During this time, he meditated on a passage that he believes God specifically gave him for that period in his life: Psalm 27. While visiting Joshua at EMMC, our friend Jonathan asked if he could read him anything, as the two spinal taps produced severe headaches that made reading difficult. Joshua had last read a passage in I Chronicles 22, and he asked Jonathan to start there. After completing that chapter, Jonathan felt compelled, for whatever reason (obviously God!), to read Psalm 27. Ironically, they later observed in the footnotes that the passage in Chronicles and Psalm 27 were linked, which makes it even more interesting that Jonathan chose that particular section to read. As Joshua listened to the chapter, he knew it was meant to be an encouragement during this time of confusion, and the detailed ways in which it related to our situation was uncanny:

Psalm 27:

 

¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid? ² When the wicked advance against me
to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
³ Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

Joshua felt that these verses directly related to the attacks that were coming at us from all angles. The seizures were frightening and confusing for him. Medical bills were accumulating, and we were facing the threat of Joshua not being able to return to his line of work. We knew that a malignant tumor was likely, and although we were unaware, there was yet another attack (concerning my job) on the horizon. We felt as though Satan was firing from all directions.

⁴ One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
⁵ For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
⁶ Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

Verses 4-6 speak about security in Christ. We knew that God was taking care of us, and we reminded ourselves of these verses often. After seizures and during the most lonely moments, we pounded these Scriptures into our heads. We were not strong enough to withstand on our own, but with Christ as our protecter, we knew we could face anything.

⁷ Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior. 

This was Joshua's call to spend time with God. He certainly had the downtime to do this. Last summer, Joshua spent countless hours praying and filled journals with his experiences and what God was showing him through them. He knew that during that time, God was asking him to slow down and absorb His Word.

¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.

This verse was wildly accurate, yet incredibly painful for Joshua. He truly experienced this, as he felt as though even his parents betrayed him during the most trying time of his life. Without disrespecting my in-laws by going into excessive details, I will admit that they have lived a rough lifestyle of addiction and bondage. Unfortunately, the substances that held them captive were often times more important than anything else, including their family. Instead of rallying around Joshua and supporting him, they barely even contacted him to see how he was feeling.  Even worse, a few days before surgery, they called asking to borrow $500.00. I was disgusted by their blatant disregard for Joshua and felt completely abandoned by them. However, I am confident that this experience only aided in Joshua growing closer in his relationship with God. It also opened the door for some frank conversations with his dad that helped strengthen their relationship just a year before his father's passing (in due time, I will share that whole story).

¹¹ Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
¹³ I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

This last passage set the stage for evaluation and redirection. Joshua did not know what exactly was in the future, but he knew that God was calling him to something different -- he knew that some changes were inevitable. He began to seek God for guidance and asked him to prepare his heart for whatever was in store.  I also remind myself of the last verse quite often.  Throughout the past year, and even now when we go for regular MRI's, I know that I need to wait on God.  I am compelled to remain faithful to Him and trust His plan.

~Still Believing

Two days after Joshua was discharged from EMMC, we were preparing to eat dinner at my parents house when Joshua's Neurologist called. Up until this point, he had reassured us that he was almost positive the abnormality showing on the MRI was an infection that would eventually clear up. There was little discussion of any other possibilities, although he had advised us that it was possible it was something more serious. The previous week, he had sent Joshua's scan to the Lahey Clinic in Burlington, MA for a second opinion, and because he believed they would confirm his opinion.

I walked into the room where Joshua was to see what the Neurologist was saying.  Joshua looked up at me in shock and said, "MA thinks it is most likely a tumor, and they want me to go there Friday." I felt my ears begin to ring, and I was suddenly nauseous. I literally dropped to the floor and began to sob, as my parents came rushing in to see what all the commotion was about. I remember looking up and and seeing my mom's face immediately turn ashen when she heard the report. I felt as though my entire world had crashed around me at those dreaded words.

As Joshua proceeded to confirm the appointment in MA and make plans to travel there, I sat out on my parents porch in confusion. I felt numb. As I sat there, I could literally feel myself begin to check out emotionally. I was done; this was just too much. I would harden myself against this. I could handle a brain infection. I could deal with seizures. However, the potential of a brain tumor was just too much. Without even consciously realizing it, I began to sink into denial, giving way to the numbness.

All of a sudden, as I sat there, I heard God speak to me, "You can numb yourself to all of this and refuse to face it. You'll be quite successful at it. OR you can choose, again, to believe me." Those words whispered to my heart struck me. Without even being fully aware of it, I had been shutting down emotionally, relying on my own strength to get by. Once again, I started to cry, as I recalled my initial promise in the ER to believe God. No, I could not afford to shut down now. There was no way I would make it through this without Him. Once again, I told God that I would believe Him. I would trust him, regardless of what the doctors in MA said. Come what may, I was determined to continue believing Him.

~The Day It All Began

On June 14, 2010, Joshua and I went to bed around 11:00 p.m. after watching my guilty pleasure, The Bachelorette.  I stayed up and read in bed for awhile, and Joshua was asleep within 15 minutes.  All of a sudden, Joshua jerked up in bed and began to grimace and shake.  I do not know how else to describe it, except his face was bright red, and he looked like he was being electrocuted.  I looked at him in alarm and asked if he could breathe.  He violently shook his head no, then passed out.  At that point, I began to panic, and I remember blurting out, "What do you want me to do??"  Silly question, since he was not conscious.  As I reached for my phone to dial 911, I recall thinking, "Sometimes young women become widows . . . what if, in the span of a few short minutes, I become that statistic?"

The operator answered, and I just remember screaming that my husband could not breathe and to send an ambulance.  She transferred me to to someone else with the warning, "I have a hysterical female on the line."  This was the reminder I needed to snap back to reality and compose myself.  I also noticed that Joshua had began to breathe heavily, so I was less frantic with the knowledge that he was, in fact, alive.  As I began to speak to the dispatcher, I realized that Joshua may have had a seizure, but I was unsure, as I had never seen someone have one, and it did not look like what I had seen depicted on TV.

Within minutes, the ambulance arrived, and I rushed outside to meet them.  Thankfully, I had yet to remove my makeup or mess up my hair . . . apparently God was watching out for me even in the smallest circumstances! :-)  There were 4-5 EMT's/Paramedics, and they seemed alarmingly slow.  They sauntered up to the front door, and paused to look around the house.  As I directed them upstairs, I heard one remark, "Wow, it's really clean in here!"  Typically, my perfectionist self would be pleased with his observations, but I remember thinking, "Who cares! Get up here already!" (We later found out from an EMT friend that they are required to assess the surroundings, and they were likely surprised that there was no evidence of a party, drugs, alcohol, etc. since that is normally the case when a healthy young person suddenly collapses or has a seizure for seemingly no reason).

While the EMT's checked Joshua and lifted him onto a stretcher, I calmly went into survival mode and put my contact lenses back in, called my parents and a close friend to tell them what had happened, and selected clothes for Joshua to change into once he came to.  I debated whether I should pack a hoodie, since hospitals can be cold.  One of the EMT's looked at me funny, as if he was thinking, "Five minutes ago, you were a 'hysterical female' on the phone, and now you're packing clothes and calm as a cucumber??"  It is interesting how we react in a crisis.

I rode to EMMC in the ambulance with Joshua, and he began to regain consciousness, although he had no idea who he was or where he was.  The poor EMT in back was having quite a bit of trouble with him.  Joshua was never violent or aggressive, but he most certainly did not want to be held down.  As we rushed into the ER, it seemed as if everything around me was moving at lighting speed.  I was asked about 50 times by 20 different people whether Joshua was on drugs.  Exasperated, I finally retorted, "No, he's a pastor!"  Thankfully, no one asked again.  I stared on in alarm, as medical personnel swarmed the room, attempting to keep Joshua in the bed. Looking back, it seems almost comical now: there were a number of nurses, a doctor, two EMT's, two security officer's, and one Bangor PD officer, all trying to hold Joshua down.  It was total chaos, and as I stood there observing it all, I felt like everything screeched to a halt and blurred around me.  I suddenly heard God whisper to my heart, "Will you trust Me? Even now?"  Right there, as my sweet husband was being clamped with restraints, I answered Him.  "I do not know what is happening or why, but I trust You, God."  For all I know, I may have even said it out loud (in which case, the nurses probably began to suspect that I was the one on drugs!).  It was a profound moment that I will never forget.  I was so confused, but I wanted desperately to trust Him.

That night and the next week passed in a whirlwind.  Joshua had two lumbar punctures (otherwise known as a spinal tap) that showed nothing abnormal.  I remember being upset that he was not diagnosed with Meningitis - three years before that, I had been terrified of that illness when a girl I went to highschool with suddely died from it.  Ironically, Meningitis now seemed like one of the better alternatives, and it was humorous to think I actually prayed for that diagnoses.  Joshua also had two MRI's that remained inconclusive, but the Neurologist assured us that he believed we were dealing with a brain infection.  Either way, there was some sort of an abnormality on the brain scans and MRI's, and EMMC seemed to be baffled by it.

Four days later, Joshua was discharged from the hospital, only to have another seizure while waiting for his anti-seizure medication prescription in the hospital pharmacy.  How ironic.  He was rushed back to the ER for more rounds of puzzled explanations from doctors.  This time, he had tightened his muscles so much during the episode, that he literally dislocated his shoulder.  I assured him that this would someday be the perfect story for any future sons: I can see them on the playground someday, "My Dad's so strong and buff that his muscles caused him to dislocate his own shoulder!!"

Finally, almost a week later, a sling-clad Joshua returned home with us to await answers as to what was going on.

~Preparing for the Fight

Ironically, about a month before everything started with Joshua, out of nowhere, I was tempted with a paralyzing fear of cancer.  For about two weeks, at various times, I could practically hear a taunting voice in my head saying, "What if you got cancer?   What if you died from it?!".  Since I am young and relatively healthy, this is not something that I had really considered much, but the temptation to fear came at me with a vengeance.  I prayed constantly and told God I trusted Him. However, one evening as I was praying, I felt as though I really needed to "deal" with this fear head-on.  In Believing God, Beth talks about a time when God asked her to talk through her worst fear, then determine what she would do if it all came to pass.  She relayed the fear of her husband leaving her for another women - a younger woman - one that her daughters both adored.  She poured out her worst nightmare to God, and once she confessed it all, she determined that even if the worst happened, she would cry and mourn . . . but then she would get up, compose herself, and continue to live her life for God.

That evening, before God, I poured out every fear that I had been tempted with regarding cancer.  I literally got on my knees and sobbed.  What if the worst happened?   I cried and told God that though I might not understand it, I would continue to believe Him.   I would live my life trying my best to do His will, and at the end, nothing else would matter, because God would be with me and take care of me.

Once I dealt with everything openly and honestly before God, the taunting fear disappeared.   Of course, we all want to live healthy, prosperous lives with only a few minor bumps in the road.   But once you truly reconcile yourself to trust God no matter what, even the biggest threats do not seem so horrible.   Once again, I determined that nothing will happen to me outside of God's knowledge and permission, and I would continue to believe Him.

Since then, I have looked back at that night countless times and shuddered at the thought of what might have happened had I not dealt with that temptation to fear.   Satan is not stupid, and he likely knew that the biggest test of my life thus far was right around the corner.   I am convinced that his plan was to plant seeds of fear that would ultimate destroy my faith and peace later on down the road.   But God knew.   He was preparing me, and it is only proof of his perfect timing.  He will never test us with more than we can handle, and as I soon found out, He always supplies us with the grace to persevere through the hardest trials of life.