~New Name

Some of you may have noticed that for the past year or so, Joshua suddenly began insisting that people call him "Joshua."  He no longer goes by "Josh," and quite frankly, it irks him when people call him that.  There is a story behind it, and rather than relay the information, I am going to record a letter that my mother wrote to him on August 19, 2010.  She believed God had spoken to her about Joshua's name and its purpose in his life:

I was just going to tell you this when you came home [from MA] but the Lord is prompting me to write it down.  I have always wondered at the fact that Abraham waited 25 years for Isaac to be born - from age 75 to 100.  Awhile ago, I asked God why at age 100 did he finally receive his son - why not at age 80 or 90?  Why after 25 years did it finally happen?  I know he was growing all those years spiritually, but what finally put him over the top?  I believe the Lord showed me that at age 99 God changed his name.  Abram means "high, exalted father," but God changed it to Abraham "father of a multitude."  I think the difference was that everytime he heard his name "Abraham," he heard "father of a multitude" over and over, until he just believed it.

I don't know why your mom named you Joshua, but I believe it was the prompting of the Lord for this season in your life.  I was reviewing over my Beth Moore Inheritance [Bible study] Session 4 this morning, and I saw the explanation for the name "Joshua."  Your name means "Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers."  I believe God had your mom and dad name you Joshua as a verbal prompt to increase your faith during this time.  Everytime someone speaks your name, they are declaring that Almighty God Himself is saving and delivering you.  Just like Abraham's new name increased his faith in what God could do for him, your name can cause your faith to grow in the fact that you are going to be fine.  You are not saved and delivered by man, but by God Himself.  Yawheh - the name that was so holy, the Jews did not speak it.  The name that you learned [on Rob Bell's Breathe DVD] was the breath of God.  Beth [Moore] said that Joshua was the first name in which "Yawheh" was added into a name.  So even if a total unbeliever or the most sinful man on earth were to call out, "Hey, Joshua!" in greeting to you, they would be declaring that it is Yawheh who saves and delivers you!!!  Meditate on your name for awhile, and everytime you hear someone speak it, remember . . . "Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers."  I am going to try and remember to call you Joshua and not Josh.  May your name be your testimony for the rest of your long life, just as Abraham's new name was for him!  Joshua - Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers!  Joshua - Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers!

Wow.  Yawheh saves, Yawheh delivers.  On February 8, 1985, as two parents gazed down at their adorable little boy and named him Joshua James Neagle, little did they know that the name was divinely inspired by God for such a time as this.

~Something To It

During the seven weeks of Radiation, Joshua met with the Radiation Oncologist at least once a week. I was with him for some of the appointments, and like any other medical professional, Joshua was always eager to tell Dr. Garren about how Jesus was his "superhero" and would take care of him. I had actually noticed that Joshua continually referenced Jesus, as opposed to God, whenever he spoke with Dr. Garren, but at the time, I did not think too much of it.  At one appointment, Dr. Garren told us about his first miracle patient. A young woman had been through one cycle of Radiation Therapy. Unfortunately, not only had it not worked, but another tumor had formed.  As the doctor relayed the bad news that there was nothing else he could do to help her, she and her family silently cried. She left his office that day, and he assumed she would be dead within three months.  Not sure how to spend her remaining days, she decided to help someone worse off than herself, and she became a caretaker for an elderly individual who was dying.   After their death a few months later, the girl was still feeling well, so she proceeded to care for another terminally ill patient.  She was still alive, so why not?  During this time, she also found meaning and value in life through a relationship with God. In a miraculous turn off events, she continued to live, and tests eventually revealed that both tumors had disappeared.  She told Dr. Garren that when she gave her life to Christ, He, in His mercy, gave her more time. Joshua's doctor had met many Christians throughout his career. Some were healed, and some died clinging to their faith in Christ, but he said that they all impressed him with their joy and positive outlook.

At one particular appointment, Dr. Garren was discussing a book he was writing, and he advised Joshua that if his hair-loss prevention technique worked and Joshua's hair came back completely, he might be a case study in the book.  Joshua persisted in telling him that he would not only keep his hair, but that he would also live a regular lifespan. The doctor advised that maybe Joshua would be one of the miracle patients that he would write about, and Joshua agreed that it would be alright, under one condition: that he give credit to Jesus. At that point, Dr. Garren became serious, and remarked, "You know, I'm Jewish, but the more I see and hear, the more I'm starting to think that there might really be something to Jesus." Instant chills. All the times Joshua had talked about Christ . . . little had he realized how strategic his wording had been, how much God was truly speaking through him.  It just goes to show how extravagantly God loves us. So much that He will allow His beloved children to experience a horrible diagnosis that places them directly in the path of a doctor who desperately needs to hear that there is something to Jesus. You just never know. I do not know the future, but I have faith that one day Dr. Garren will call Jesus his Savior, and God will have used the faith and obedience of many brave patients to help make it happen.  That day reminded me that we never really know just how much God could be working through a situation.  Our worst nightmares can be used according to His plan.  He can take a scary, terrible situation and turn it into something beautiful.

~Little Miracles

Joshua's Radiation and Chemotheraphy treatments were scheduled, and we came home to Maine to relax for the next two weeks.  I began to feverishly browse the employment listings.  I knew I needed to find something full-time, with a salary close to or higher than my current, and with excellent benefits.  My health insurance plan with Wells Fargo Financial was amazing, and it was a concern that I would not be able to find a plan that willingly covered frequent Chemotherapy treatments and MRI's.

Joshua spent the next two weeks relaxing and gearing up for 7 rigorous weeks of Radiation Therapy.  One Friday afternoon while I was working, he joined my mother as she ran some errands.  All day he had been craving a chocolate glazed doughnut from Frank's Bakery.  For those of you not from Bangor, Frank's is a-m-a-z-i-n-g.  Everything there is delicious!  However, their chocolate glazed doughnuts are our absolute favorite (with the bismarks being a close second) . . . they also apparently happen to be a favorite of many other locals.  I have called before at 9:00 a.m., and they are already sold out.  Therefore, Joshua knew that on a Friday afternoon, they were likely long gone.  Joshua prayed and prayed all during the errands that Frank's would have the special treat, and when my mother asked if she could get him anything to eat, he told her exactly what he wanted.  She was doubtful that they would ever have any, but not wanting to disappoint him, she drove there anywhere.

When Joshua walked into Frank's, lo and behold, there was a tray FULL of chocolate glazed doughnuts!  Freshly baked!  I am sure my mom's jaw hit the floor as she watched Joshua happily order the dessert he had prayed all day for.  In the grand scheme of things, it was only a doughnut.  But I love this story, because it is a reminder that God cares about every aspect of our lives.  He is not only present during the storm and our greatest trials, but he is also the God of our daily lives.  Our littlest desires and thoughts are important to Him.  And on that day, the Creator of the Universe, the God of all . . . simply desired to perform a mini miracle and bless a man in Bangor, Maine with his favorite doughnut.  How cool is God?

~Diagnosis

A week after the surgery, we returned to the Lahey Brain Tumor Clinic for the results of the biopsy. We were told that Joshua had a Grade 3 Primary Brain Tumor, and while I will not go into the long medical name, this basically means that it was a malignant, medium-level tumor that originated in the brain. As soon as I heard the doctor say "Grade 3", I began to tear up, because I had been so hoping that it was not cancer. However, in some ways, that is almost better, as benign brain tumors oftentimes grow just as much but do not repond as well to treatment.

There were two doctors in the meeting, and they began to debate the various treatment options. One doctor suggested starting with Chemotherapy, while the other one recommended both that and Radiation. Chemo alone seemed like the "easy" option, as there are less side-affects and long-term difficulties, but we at least wanted to hear a little more about our other choices. As they paged a Radiation Oncologist to come speak with us, I began to panic inside . . . what should we do? Which treatment was more effective? One doctor was adamant that we only start with Chemo, while the other one thought it was best to complete both.

After spending about two minutes with the Radiation Oncologist, we had all made our decision regarding treatment. He was one of those people that you instantly like - just a great guy. He was personable, intelligent, and, most importantly, optomistic. He gave us the rundown of the process and side effects, all while assuring us that Joshua was going to live. He advised that Joshua's young age was the single most important factor in his prognosis. While many people shy away from radiation because of the long-term hair loss, he assured Joshua that he had developed a procedure that might save his hair. He would likely lose it all initially, but the goal was for his hair to completely grow back. He said so many encouraging things to us . . . I literally could never say enough positive things about him. I later found out that he is nationally renowned and has been voted one of Boston's best doctors multiple years in a row.  What a blessing it was to have him as a doctor!

We left that meeting encouraged and ready to fight against the tumor with all guns blazing. We had decided on a year of Chemotherapy, along with 7 weeks of Radiation in MA. We did not know how exactly everything would work out, as I still had a job and had to work until September, all while interviewing for a new position. We also did not have a way to drive back and forth from MA to ME very often, as we owned a 1998 Dodge Neon that constantly overheated and broke down whenever we attempted to drive it more than 20 minutes away. Lastly, we had the obstacle of how Joshua would get to the Radiation appointments each weekday. Lahey is about 15 minutes away from where we were staying with his grandparents, both of which were unavailable to drive him each day, and Joshua could not drive at that time because of the seizures. We had two weeks to figure it all out before the treatments began. Thankfully, we had God . . . and He had a plan.

~God's Peace in the Midst of the Attack

Joshua spent the night after surgery in the PAC-U and was sent to a private room after that. We had just gotten him settled in his room and were discussing his medication with the nurse, when Joshua suddenly had another large seizure. Talk about dramatic . . . The nurse lunged forward to catch his fall, all while screaming for me to press a code button on the wall. Employees came running from all over, and two medical assistants ended up helping Joshua's nurse. Once the attack had subsided and Joshua was able talk again, he was abnormally quiet and appeared upset. I eventually learned that he had remained fully aware throughout the entire seizure, and unlike the two before then, he could remember everything that happened. He was shocked to realize that right before it occurred, his mind felt like it was going crazy, and he was plagued with wild, violent thoughts. He remembered reaching up to knock items off the wall and thinking, "If this is the end, I'm going out with a bang!" He wanted hit something. Once the seizure began, his muscles tensed, and he was unable to move on his own or think rational thoughts. Even worse, he also remembered thinking the same kinds of thoughts before the seizure prior to this one, but he had not realized it until after this third seizure.

I remember being quite alarmed by his confession and concerned that he might eventually become violent towards people during a seizure. I went back to the hotel that night and researched it on the internet.  I found that many people become angry, irritable, or more aggressive during a seizure - some even try to bite objects and other people! Apparently, your brain is stressed and does not understand what is happening, so it may react this way. Other people sometimes experience extreme fear or nausea - there are all sorts of strange symptoms. I felt better knowing that this was common, but I still worried that Joshua might hurt himself or someone else during a seizure.

Joshua was very upset and concerned that the thoughts were potentially demonic, and he began to beg God to take them away. Throughout the next couple of weeks, he had a few more seizures that produced crazy, frantic thoughts. Right before the attacks came on, he could feel his mind running wild with thoughts of teleporting, aggression, and other manic, unrealistic ideas. He literally felt as though he was losing his mind for a few seconds before the seizures actually began. Unfortunately, medical science says that many people experience crazy thoughts or feelings because of the irregular brain activity from the seizure. Science says that there is nothing we can do to stop it . . . God says differently. Joshua began to pray out loud whenever he felt an attack coming on. When he felt himself losing the ability to speak in full sentences, he simply repeated the name Jesus until the seizure began. I am not exaggerating one iota when I report that all of the wild thoughts completely left when Joshua began to pray. Not one crazy or aggressive idea entered his mind, and he has been protected since. Even more amazing is that Joshua has noticed a correlation between his prayers and the intensity of a seizure. If he has been busy and prays minimally before an attack, it is typically quite intense. On the other hand, if he stops everything and spends time asking God to calm his mind, the seizures are typically much smaller, and sometimes they never even end up occurring. Yet again, it is impossible to control a seizure, the level of intensity, or your thoughts while having one. Completely impossible . . . except for when God intervenes!

When I look back at the past year, I am in awe of what God has done for us. Yes, it was hard. Yes, seizures just plain suck. Yes, we received a fear-inducing diagnosis (that will be my next blog). However, the ways in which God has intervened and blessed us throughout it all are absolutely mind-blowing. Seizures and wearing a sling for a month humbled Joshua. He had always been quite proud of his strength, endurance, and ability to work hard. Being stripped of some of this for a period forced him to completely rely on God. During seizures, he lacks the ability to control his body OR mind, but God has proved so faithful. He has done the "impossible", and it has only strengthened our faith and love for Him. It has definitely been tough, but these are the experiences that I would not trade for anything.  I am convinced that God is faithful to us . . . always.

~Surgery

On July 7, 2010, Joshua and I, along with my mom, drove to MA to prepare for the surgery / brain biopsy the following day. We attempted to keep the conversation light-hearted and optimistic and not focus on the next day. We were about halfway there, when I started receiving panicked text messages from a co-worker. Our office had been called into an emergency conference call, and the news was stunning: all 638 Wells Fargo Financial stores in the US were closing by the beginning of September. Within two months, we would all be left without jobs. WFF was primarily located in the West, so there were no banks to relocate to.

I remember staring at the text messages, relaying the news to Joshua and my mom, and promptly bursting out in hysterical laughter. What else could I do? I think my poor mother thought I had lost my mind, but at this point, my sweet husband was having brain surgery the next day; I could not have cared less about my employment status! I remember silently telling God that I had no clue what He was during, but I was determined to trust Him. If He wanted me to lose my job, then so be it . . . something better would come.

Through all that time of attacks, it actually become easy to believe God. But for Him, I had no hope. I could not have survived it without His strength; I truly had no choice but to trust Him.

The day of the surgery, July 8th, was rough for me. I was trusting God, but I desperately wanted this chapter to be over. So I was losing my job, and we had accumulating medical bills . . . but could we please not have to deal with a brain tumor?! I begged God and believed for Him to completely heal Joshua. Right before the surgery, Joshua was scheduled to have a higher-tech mapping MRI that would show the surgeon exactly where to operate. Of course, my hope and prayer was that this final MRI would reveal nothing but brain. I even envisioned how I would react when the surgeon informed us that there was no tumor. What an amazing testimony that would be!

While I continued to trust God, the thought of my wonderful husband being subjected to brain surgery was close to terrifying. I truly do not know how people go through issues like these without a faith in God. As Joshua went in for the MRI, I begged God to please let this all be over. Literally 100+ friends, family, and people we had never even met were praying right alongside us for a miracle.

I was permitted to stay with Joshua while they prepped him for surgery. The Anesthesiologist and her Nurse Anesthetist were incredibly comforting and kind to me. They both told me that they would be with Joshua the entire time until he woke up, and that everything would be okay. The Anesthesiologist then took me aside and sweetly told me that she wanted me to go relax and get something to eat. I was probably as pale as a ghost, mainly because they were putting in IV's, and everything about needles and blood makes me queasy. Dr. David, the surgeon, then came to speak with us. He was confident and knowledgeable, and I remember being relieved by his nonchalant attitude. Brain surgery seems like such a complicated procedure, and yet he acted as though it was as simple as driving a car. At that point, his attitude was exactly what I needed to set me at ease. I was still hoping that the MRI would come back with nothing, so my main question was whether he had reviewed the scan yet. He informed me that they were setting it up in the Operating Room then, but that he had not looked at it. He did not realize why I was asking, but I was clinging to the hope of a miracle. As they wheeled Joshua to the OR, I tried to remain composed.

My mom and I migrated to the OR waiting room, where there was a large television screen that continually scrolled through patient's names and their surgery status. Families were able to watch as their loved ones prepared for surgery, entered the OR, woke up in the recovery room, and were transported to the PACU. I sat in anticipation, waiting for a shocked doctor to barge through the door and relay good news. You can imagine my alarm when Joshua's status suddenly changed to OR, and we realized the surgery had begun. I remember tearing up and forcing myself to be okay with the fact that God had not chosen to banish the tumor that day. Joshua was in surgery, but God was right by his side.

~Psalm 27

At Joshua's appointment in MA, we learned that the abnormality was likely a tumor, and surgery was scheduled about two weeks out. During the next two weeks, Joshua spent a lot of time relaxing, as the seizure medicine he was taking caused a lot of side effects and flu-like symptoms. During this time, he meditated on a passage that he believes God specifically gave him for that period in his life: Psalm 27. While visiting Joshua at EMMC, our friend Jonathan asked if he could read him anything, as the two spinal taps produced severe headaches that made reading difficult. Joshua had last read a passage in I Chronicles 22, and he asked Jonathan to start there. After completing that chapter, Jonathan felt compelled, for whatever reason (obviously God!), to read Psalm 27. Ironically, they later observed in the footnotes that the passage in Chronicles and Psalm 27 were linked, which makes it even more interesting that Jonathan chose that particular section to read. As Joshua listened to the chapter, he knew it was meant to be an encouragement during this time of confusion, and the detailed ways in which it related to our situation was uncanny:

Psalm 27:

 

¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid? ² When the wicked advance against me
to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
³ Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

Joshua felt that these verses directly related to the attacks that were coming at us from all angles. The seizures were frightening and confusing for him. Medical bills were accumulating, and we were facing the threat of Joshua not being able to return to his line of work. We knew that a malignant tumor was likely, and although we were unaware, there was yet another attack (concerning my job) on the horizon. We felt as though Satan was firing from all directions.

⁴ One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
⁵ For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
⁶ Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

Verses 4-6 speak about security in Christ. We knew that God was taking care of us, and we reminded ourselves of these verses often. After seizures and during the most lonely moments, we pounded these Scriptures into our heads. We were not strong enough to withstand on our own, but with Christ as our protecter, we knew we could face anything.

⁷ Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior. 

This was Joshua's call to spend time with God. He certainly had the downtime to do this. Last summer, Joshua spent countless hours praying and filled journals with his experiences and what God was showing him through them. He knew that during that time, God was asking him to slow down and absorb His Word.

¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.

This verse was wildly accurate, yet incredibly painful for Joshua. He truly experienced this, as he felt as though even his parents betrayed him during the most trying time of his life. Without disrespecting my in-laws by going into excessive details, I will admit that they have lived a rough lifestyle of addiction and bondage. Unfortunately, the substances that held them captive were often times more important than anything else, including their family. Instead of rallying around Joshua and supporting him, they barely even contacted him to see how he was feeling.  Even worse, a few days before surgery, they called asking to borrow $500.00. I was disgusted by their blatant disregard for Joshua and felt completely abandoned by them. However, I am confident that this experience only aided in Joshua growing closer in his relationship with God. It also opened the door for some frank conversations with his dad that helped strengthen their relationship just a year before his father's passing (in due time, I will share that whole story).

¹¹ Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
¹³ I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

This last passage set the stage for evaluation and redirection. Joshua did not know what exactly was in the future, but he knew that God was calling him to something different -- he knew that some changes were inevitable. He began to seek God for guidance and asked him to prepare his heart for whatever was in store.  I also remind myself of the last verse quite often.  Throughout the past year, and even now when we go for regular MRI's, I know that I need to wait on God.  I am compelled to remain faithful to Him and trust His plan.

~Still Believing

Two days after Joshua was discharged from EMMC, we were preparing to eat dinner at my parents house when Joshua's Neurologist called. Up until this point, he had reassured us that he was almost positive the abnormality showing on the MRI was an infection that would eventually clear up. There was little discussion of any other possibilities, although he had advised us that it was possible it was something more serious. The previous week, he had sent Joshua's scan to the Lahey Clinic in Burlington, MA for a second opinion, and because he believed they would confirm his opinion.

I walked into the room where Joshua was to see what the Neurologist was saying.  Joshua looked up at me in shock and said, "MA thinks it is most likely a tumor, and they want me to go there Friday." I felt my ears begin to ring, and I was suddenly nauseous. I literally dropped to the floor and began to sob, as my parents came rushing in to see what all the commotion was about. I remember looking up and and seeing my mom's face immediately turn ashen when she heard the report. I felt as though my entire world had crashed around me at those dreaded words.

As Joshua proceeded to confirm the appointment in MA and make plans to travel there, I sat out on my parents porch in confusion. I felt numb. As I sat there, I could literally feel myself begin to check out emotionally. I was done; this was just too much. I would harden myself against this. I could handle a brain infection. I could deal with seizures. However, the potential of a brain tumor was just too much. Without even consciously realizing it, I began to sink into denial, giving way to the numbness.

All of a sudden, as I sat there, I heard God speak to me, "You can numb yourself to all of this and refuse to face it. You'll be quite successful at it. OR you can choose, again, to believe me." Those words whispered to my heart struck me. Without even being fully aware of it, I had been shutting down emotionally, relying on my own strength to get by. Once again, I started to cry, as I recalled my initial promise in the ER to believe God. No, I could not afford to shut down now. There was no way I would make it through this without Him. Once again, I told God that I would believe Him. I would trust him, regardless of what the doctors in MA said. Come what may, I was determined to continue believing Him.

~The Day It All Began

On June 14, 2010, Joshua and I went to bed around 11:00 p.m. after watching my guilty pleasure, The Bachelorette.  I stayed up and read in bed for awhile, and Joshua was asleep within 15 minutes.  All of a sudden, Joshua jerked up in bed and began to grimace and shake.  I do not know how else to describe it, except his face was bright red, and he looked like he was being electrocuted.  I looked at him in alarm and asked if he could breathe.  He violently shook his head no, then passed out.  At that point, I began to panic, and I remember blurting out, "What do you want me to do??"  Silly question, since he was not conscious.  As I reached for my phone to dial 911, I recall thinking, "Sometimes young women become widows . . . what if, in the span of a few short minutes, I become that statistic?"

The operator answered, and I just remember screaming that my husband could not breathe and to send an ambulance.  She transferred me to to someone else with the warning, "I have a hysterical female on the line."  This was the reminder I needed to snap back to reality and compose myself.  I also noticed that Joshua had began to breathe heavily, so I was less frantic with the knowledge that he was, in fact, alive.  As I began to speak to the dispatcher, I realized that Joshua may have had a seizure, but I was unsure, as I had never seen someone have one, and it did not look like what I had seen depicted on TV.

Within minutes, the ambulance arrived, and I rushed outside to meet them.  Thankfully, I had yet to remove my makeup or mess up my hair . . . apparently God was watching out for me even in the smallest circumstances! :-)  There were 4-5 EMT's/Paramedics, and they seemed alarmingly slow.  They sauntered up to the front door, and paused to look around the house.  As I directed them upstairs, I heard one remark, "Wow, it's really clean in here!"  Typically, my perfectionist self would be pleased with his observations, but I remember thinking, "Who cares! Get up here already!" (We later found out from an EMT friend that they are required to assess the surroundings, and they were likely surprised that there was no evidence of a party, drugs, alcohol, etc. since that is normally the case when a healthy young person suddenly collapses or has a seizure for seemingly no reason).

While the EMT's checked Joshua and lifted him onto a stretcher, I calmly went into survival mode and put my contact lenses back in, called my parents and a close friend to tell them what had happened, and selected clothes for Joshua to change into once he came to.  I debated whether I should pack a hoodie, since hospitals can be cold.  One of the EMT's looked at me funny, as if he was thinking, "Five minutes ago, you were a 'hysterical female' on the phone, and now you're packing clothes and calm as a cucumber??"  It is interesting how we react in a crisis.

I rode to EMMC in the ambulance with Joshua, and he began to regain consciousness, although he had no idea who he was or where he was.  The poor EMT in back was having quite a bit of trouble with him.  Joshua was never violent or aggressive, but he most certainly did not want to be held down.  As we rushed into the ER, it seemed as if everything around me was moving at lighting speed.  I was asked about 50 times by 20 different people whether Joshua was on drugs.  Exasperated, I finally retorted, "No, he's a pastor!"  Thankfully, no one asked again.  I stared on in alarm, as medical personnel swarmed the room, attempting to keep Joshua in the bed. Looking back, it seems almost comical now: there were a number of nurses, a doctor, two EMT's, two security officer's, and one Bangor PD officer, all trying to hold Joshua down.  It was total chaos, and as I stood there observing it all, I felt like everything screeched to a halt and blurred around me.  I suddenly heard God whisper to my heart, "Will you trust Me? Even now?"  Right there, as my sweet husband was being clamped with restraints, I answered Him.  "I do not know what is happening or why, but I trust You, God."  For all I know, I may have even said it out loud (in which case, the nurses probably began to suspect that I was the one on drugs!).  It was a profound moment that I will never forget.  I was so confused, but I wanted desperately to trust Him.

That night and the next week passed in a whirlwind.  Joshua had two lumbar punctures (otherwise known as a spinal tap) that showed nothing abnormal.  I remember being upset that he was not diagnosed with Meningitis - three years before that, I had been terrified of that illness when a girl I went to highschool with suddely died from it.  Ironically, Meningitis now seemed like one of the better alternatives, and it was humorous to think I actually prayed for that diagnoses.  Joshua also had two MRI's that remained inconclusive, but the Neurologist assured us that he believed we were dealing with a brain infection.  Either way, there was some sort of an abnormality on the brain scans and MRI's, and EMMC seemed to be baffled by it.

Four days later, Joshua was discharged from the hospital, only to have another seizure while waiting for his anti-seizure medication prescription in the hospital pharmacy.  How ironic.  He was rushed back to the ER for more rounds of puzzled explanations from doctors.  This time, he had tightened his muscles so much during the episode, that he literally dislocated his shoulder.  I assured him that this would someday be the perfect story for any future sons: I can see them on the playground someday, "My Dad's so strong and buff that his muscles caused him to dislocate his own shoulder!!"

Finally, almost a week later, a sling-clad Joshua returned home with us to await answers as to what was going on.

~Preparing for the Fight

Ironically, about a month before everything started with Joshua, out of nowhere, I was tempted with a paralyzing fear of cancer.  For about two weeks, at various times, I could practically hear a taunting voice in my head saying, "What if you got cancer?   What if you died from it?!".  Since I am young and relatively healthy, this is not something that I had really considered much, but the temptation to fear came at me with a vengeance.  I prayed constantly and told God I trusted Him. However, one evening as I was praying, I felt as though I really needed to "deal" with this fear head-on.  In Believing God, Beth talks about a time when God asked her to talk through her worst fear, then determine what she would do if it all came to pass.  She relayed the fear of her husband leaving her for another women - a younger woman - one that her daughters both adored.  She poured out her worst nightmare to God, and once she confessed it all, she determined that even if the worst happened, she would cry and mourn . . . but then she would get up, compose herself, and continue to live her life for God.

That evening, before God, I poured out every fear that I had been tempted with regarding cancer.  I literally got on my knees and sobbed.  What if the worst happened?   I cried and told God that though I might not understand it, I would continue to believe Him.   I would live my life trying my best to do His will, and at the end, nothing else would matter, because God would be with me and take care of me.

Once I dealt with everything openly and honestly before God, the taunting fear disappeared.   Of course, we all want to live healthy, prosperous lives with only a few minor bumps in the road.   But once you truly reconcile yourself to trust God no matter what, even the biggest threats do not seem so horrible.   Once again, I determined that nothing will happen to me outside of God's knowledge and permission, and I would continue to believe Him.

Since then, I have looked back at that night countless times and shuddered at the thought of what might have happened had I not dealt with that temptation to fear.   Satan is not stupid, and he likely knew that the biggest test of my life thus far was right around the corner.   I am convinced that his plan was to plant seeds of fear that would ultimate destroy my faith and peace later on down the road.   But God knew.   He was preparing me, and it is only proof of his perfect timing.  He will never test us with more than we can handle, and as I soon found out, He always supplies us with the grace to persevere through the hardest trials of life.

~Before It All Began

A little over two years ago, I began a Bible study called "Believing God" by Beth Moore.  This study challenged me and stretched my faith more than anything else that I had studied thus far.  The premise is simple, yet profound: will you believe God no matter what?  This almost seemed silly at first: I am a Christian; of course I believe God!   However, as I dived deeper into the curriculum, I was challenged with tough questions.   I grew up in a Charismatic background, and I sat through countless prosperity teachings.  For years, I was taught that if you trust God, confess your Scriptures, and tithe (better yet, double tithe!), then you will be blessed with financial bliss and physical health.  I was tolf that God is a giving God, and if you are not rich and healthy, then something is wrong with your faith.  I grew up hearing all of this, and somewhere along the way, I began to believe that God heals every time.  Period.  That is just what He does. If a person dies sick, then something must have been wrong with their faith. 

Suddenly, I was confronted with a tough question: what if God does not act the way I expect Him to act?  What if my circumstances do not match what I thought God would do?  Will I still believe Him?  No matter what?  Through Beth's study I learned to trust God, regardless of what occurs.   Even if things are not happening they way I think they should.  I do not have all the answers; I do believe that God wants to bless and heal us, but I cannot explain why some people are poor and why others die of sickness.  Sometimes it seems truly unfair.  All I know is that I was determined to live the kind of life that Beth wrote about: I wanted a faith that would continue to believe God, even if my every fear came true.  I began to ask God to "Help me overcome my unbelief!" like the desperate father in Mark 9:24.  I begged God to help me live out a life of faith.

Throughout that next year, God tested me in various ways, and my faith grew astonomically.  He used small situations and trials that seemed huge at the time.  He knew what He was doing.  I did not realize it, but He was preparing me to face my worst fear head-on.

~First Post

At the prodding of family and friends, and because I also felt like I should, I am beginning this blog.  I feel as though Joshua and I have lived a lifetime of experiences in the past year, and I am compelled to begin recording them . . . partly so we do not forget them, and also in hopes of encouraging at least one other person through these posts.

Unfortunately, I now know what it is like to be deeply and personally affected by a life-altering, terrifying situation.   However, I also know what it means to cling to my faith with all I have, and resolve to continue believing God.  No matter what.  The past year has been the most challenging and difficult time of my life; it has also been the most rewarding and eye-opening.  Despite it all, God has spoken to us frequently, directed us clearly, and blessed our socks off.  Yes, you read that correctly: in the midst of the storm, God has blessed us immensely.  These are the stories that I want to share - what God has done, and whatever else He has in store for the future.