~God's Peace in the Midst of the Attack

Joshua spent the night after surgery in the PAC-U and was sent to a private room after that. We had just gotten him settled in his room and were discussing his medication with the nurse, when Joshua suddenly had another large seizure. Talk about dramatic . . . The nurse lunged forward to catch his fall, all while screaming for me to press a code button on the wall. Employees came running from all over, and two medical assistants ended up helping Joshua's nurse. Once the attack had subsided and Joshua was able talk again, he was abnormally quiet and appeared upset. I eventually learned that he had remained fully aware throughout the entire seizure, and unlike the two before then, he could remember everything that happened. He was shocked to realize that right before it occurred, his mind felt like it was going crazy, and he was plagued with wild, violent thoughts. He remembered reaching up to knock items off the wall and thinking, "If this is the end, I'm going out with a bang!" He wanted hit something. Once the seizure began, his muscles tensed, and he was unable to move on his own or think rational thoughts. Even worse, he also remembered thinking the same kinds of thoughts before the seizure prior to this one, but he had not realized it until after this third seizure.

I remember being quite alarmed by his confession and concerned that he might eventually become violent towards people during a seizure. I went back to the hotel that night and researched it on the internet.  I found that many people become angry, irritable, or more aggressive during a seizure - some even try to bite objects and other people! Apparently, your brain is stressed and does not understand what is happening, so it may react this way. Other people sometimes experience extreme fear or nausea - there are all sorts of strange symptoms. I felt better knowing that this was common, but I still worried that Joshua might hurt himself or someone else during a seizure.

Joshua was very upset and concerned that the thoughts were potentially demonic, and he began to beg God to take them away. Throughout the next couple of weeks, he had a few more seizures that produced crazy, frantic thoughts. Right before the attacks came on, he could feel his mind running wild with thoughts of teleporting, aggression, and other manic, unrealistic ideas. He literally felt as though he was losing his mind for a few seconds before the seizures actually began. Unfortunately, medical science says that many people experience crazy thoughts or feelings because of the irregular brain activity from the seizure. Science says that there is nothing we can do to stop it . . . God says differently. Joshua began to pray out loud whenever he felt an attack coming on. When he felt himself losing the ability to speak in full sentences, he simply repeated the name Jesus until the seizure began. I am not exaggerating one iota when I report that all of the wild thoughts completely left when Joshua began to pray. Not one crazy or aggressive idea entered his mind, and he has been protected since. Even more amazing is that Joshua has noticed a correlation between his prayers and the intensity of a seizure. If he has been busy and prays minimally before an attack, it is typically quite intense. On the other hand, if he stops everything and spends time asking God to calm his mind, the seizures are typically much smaller, and sometimes they never even end up occurring. Yet again, it is impossible to control a seizure, the level of intensity, or your thoughts while having one. Completely impossible . . . except for when God intervenes!

When I look back at the past year, I am in awe of what God has done for us. Yes, it was hard. Yes, seizures just plain suck. Yes, we received a fear-inducing diagnosis (that will be my next blog). However, the ways in which God has intervened and blessed us throughout it all are absolutely mind-blowing. Seizures and wearing a sling for a month humbled Joshua. He had always been quite proud of his strength, endurance, and ability to work hard. Being stripped of some of this for a period forced him to completely rely on God. During seizures, he lacks the ability to control his body OR mind, but God has proved so faithful. He has done the "impossible", and it has only strengthened our faith and love for Him. It has definitely been tough, but these are the experiences that I would not trade for anything.  I am convinced that God is faithful to us . . . always.

~Surgery

On July 7, 2010, Joshua and I, along with my mom, drove to MA to prepare for the surgery / brain biopsy the following day. We attempted to keep the conversation light-hearted and optimistic and not focus on the next day. We were about halfway there, when I started receiving panicked text messages from a co-worker. Our office had been called into an emergency conference call, and the news was stunning: all 638 Wells Fargo Financial stores in the US were closing by the beginning of September. Within two months, we would all be left without jobs. WFF was primarily located in the West, so there were no banks to relocate to.

I remember staring at the text messages, relaying the news to Joshua and my mom, and promptly bursting out in hysterical laughter. What else could I do? I think my poor mother thought I had lost my mind, but at this point, my sweet husband was having brain surgery the next day; I could not have cared less about my employment status! I remember silently telling God that I had no clue what He was during, but I was determined to trust Him. If He wanted me to lose my job, then so be it . . . something better would come.

Through all that time of attacks, it actually become easy to believe God. But for Him, I had no hope. I could not have survived it without His strength; I truly had no choice but to trust Him.

The day of the surgery, July 8th, was rough for me. I was trusting God, but I desperately wanted this chapter to be over. So I was losing my job, and we had accumulating medical bills . . . but could we please not have to deal with a brain tumor?! I begged God and believed for Him to completely heal Joshua. Right before the surgery, Joshua was scheduled to have a higher-tech mapping MRI that would show the surgeon exactly where to operate. Of course, my hope and prayer was that this final MRI would reveal nothing but brain. I even envisioned how I would react when the surgeon informed us that there was no tumor. What an amazing testimony that would be!

While I continued to trust God, the thought of my wonderful husband being subjected to brain surgery was close to terrifying. I truly do not know how people go through issues like these without a faith in God. As Joshua went in for the MRI, I begged God to please let this all be over. Literally 100+ friends, family, and people we had never even met were praying right alongside us for a miracle.

I was permitted to stay with Joshua while they prepped him for surgery. The Anesthesiologist and her Nurse Anesthetist were incredibly comforting and kind to me. They both told me that they would be with Joshua the entire time until he woke up, and that everything would be okay. The Anesthesiologist then took me aside and sweetly told me that she wanted me to go relax and get something to eat. I was probably as pale as a ghost, mainly because they were putting in IV's, and everything about needles and blood makes me queasy. Dr. David, the surgeon, then came to speak with us. He was confident and knowledgeable, and I remember being relieved by his nonchalant attitude. Brain surgery seems like such a complicated procedure, and yet he acted as though it was as simple as driving a car. At that point, his attitude was exactly what I needed to set me at ease. I was still hoping that the MRI would come back with nothing, so my main question was whether he had reviewed the scan yet. He informed me that they were setting it up in the Operating Room then, but that he had not looked at it. He did not realize why I was asking, but I was clinging to the hope of a miracle. As they wheeled Joshua to the OR, I tried to remain composed.

My mom and I migrated to the OR waiting room, where there was a large television screen that continually scrolled through patient's names and their surgery status. Families were able to watch as their loved ones prepared for surgery, entered the OR, woke up in the recovery room, and were transported to the PACU. I sat in anticipation, waiting for a shocked doctor to barge through the door and relay good news. You can imagine my alarm when Joshua's status suddenly changed to OR, and we realized the surgery had begun. I remember tearing up and forcing myself to be okay with the fact that God had not chosen to banish the tumor that day. Joshua was in surgery, but God was right by his side.