~Family Matters

As many of you are aware, Joshua and his siblings were raised in a turbulent household. To avoid disrespecting my in-laws, I will not relay every gory detail, but suffice it to say that there was much physical and mental abuse involved, partly due to severe drug abuse issues. Because of this, Joshua’s relationship with his parents had been strained for years. He loved and respected them, but there needed to be boundaries. He spoke to them on the phone and occasionally visited them, but we had decided that because of their dangerous lifestyle, contact would be limited. There have been many arguments and tense conversations over the years, as Joshua’s parents were obviously upset by this and denied their blatant involvement in drugs, etc. To make matters worse, Joshua had been very disappointed in their behavior throughout the diagnosis and treatments.  They still seemed to view him as, quite frankly, a dollar sign and not their son who needed love and support during a difficult period. He prayed for them frequently, begged them to go to church, pleaded with them to straighten out their lives . . . it felt as though nothing would ever change. One specific church that he had repeatedly asked them to visit was Pathway Vineyard, right close to where they live. They would promise to attend as a way to appease him, but it proved to only be empty promises. Things seemed to take a turn for the worst in their lives when Joshua’s father was involved in some sort of an altercation and badly injured. As a result, he had a pronounced limp and required a walking stick for assistance. One evening he was struggling to walk home (they did not own a vehicle at the time) when a black Escalade pulled over. The man inside asked him if he could give him a ride somewhere, and Joshua’s father gladly accepted. In a surprising turn of events, that man was a member of Pathway Vineyard Church. He felt prompted to help Joshua’s father that day, and he proceeded to visit he and Joshua’s mother weekly. He shared his faith with them and inspired them to evaluate their lives and the addictions that gripped them. They could not muster the strength to find help, so God brought it directly to them.

Joshua began to see a notable change in his father from that point on. Their relationship strengthened, and they had numerous encouraging phone conversations. In the past, Joshua’s father would react very defensively if any of his indescretions were brought up, but he became remarkably humbled. For the first time ever, he acknowledged the past abuse and his part in the family’s troubles. He admitted his drug addiction and feelings of helplessness and began to take steps toward rehabilitation. The formerly proud, defensive, angry man confessed his need for a Savior and a changed lifestyle. At the time, we did not realize that those would be his father’s last months on this earth, but God knew. Part of what changed his heart was watching his son walk out his faith during a tremendously tumultous time.

We watched as God ironed out so many issues during that summer of surgery and cancer treatments. Life was difficult and fear-inducing. The future was unknown. But God used all of it to His full advantage. He did things that we never imagined.

“And we know that in all things god works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”Romans 8:28 NIV

~Fear

Fear.  We all encounter it.  No matter how strong or independent we may think we are, we are all acquainted with this horrible feeling.  I think I may have dealt with it more than others . . . my type A personality is always thinking of terrible things that could happen.  I am the wife who begs her husband not to eat or drink after anyone because they might be carriers of Meningitis.  I hate potlucks because other people may not be as careful as me while, say, preparing meat.  I have trouble enjoying amusement parks and rides, not because I am scared of heights or speed, but because I am *petrified* that another person on a ride will get sick and throw up on me.  Yes, I am slightly strange.  But all jokes aside, fear is obviously something that I have dealt with more than ever in the past two years.  Facing a serious illness of a loved one has a way of drudging up our worst nightmares and throwing them in our faces.

I find that I do well for weeks, months even.  And then, WHAM!  I am hit with it.  A paralyzing temptation to fear.  So strong that I feel as though I might drown it.  Might go crazy from it.  And that is when I know it is time to purge my mind, hand it all over to God, and continue my fight to believe Him all over again.  Sometimes I am struck with a horrible thought, and five minutes of prayer calms my fear and rids me of irrational thoughts.  Sometimes I spend time meditating on Psalm 91 or another soothing scripture, and I feel better immediately.  But other times, the same fear keeps rearing its ugly head, and I know that I need to just deal with it.  Just recently, for example, I began to feel the temptation to fear regarding Joshua having seizures.  He has been having them infrequently for two years now, and they are a "normal" way of life.  Yet for some reason, I suddenly began to feel a lot of anxiety about them.  When this happens, I know that I need to purge my mind, so to speak.  I need to deal with it head on and rid myself of it before it takes over.  Because it will if I let it go.  Fear will take place of faith, and before I know it, I will be facing life's ups and down in my own strength and failing miserably.

So what do I do?  I start by pouring out my every fear to God.  The Charismatic in me used to be terrified to do this.  If I vocalize what I am afraid of, I might be "confessing" it over my life, and it could happen!  Seriously?  Do I really think that God becomes impotent when I admit a fear?  Yeah, pretty irrational.  Spelling out my every horrific thought to Him is literally the most therapeutic thing ever.  I list every fear that I have in the situation - from the normal, to the completely irrational, to the silliest, to the smallest little blip on my mental radar.  Everything.  He already knows my thoughts; He won't be shocked by it.  If I keep burying my fears, I will never really face them.  I will never get rid of them.

For days after Joshua had the first seizure, I left the hospital each night haunted with memories of it.  After a few days of this, I finally sat down and just told God everything.  I described to Him exactly what happened, how I felt during the incident, how terrified I had been.  How helpless I felt.  I replayed the entire thing for God.  Just this morning, I told God all of my fears about seizures.  Every little thought that has scared me.  I laid it all out there.

Once I get that all out, I typically feel 100 times better.  It really is a huge relief to dump it all on God.  I then ask God for peace and protection.  I ask for healing from seizures, and for Him to keep Joshua safe when they occur.  I ask him to protect my mind from fear and irrational thoughts.  I spend time thanking Him for all of the times that He has protected us and taken care of us.

I conclude by telling God that I am still determined to believe Him.  I acknowledge that He is God, and nothing will happen outside of His knowledge.  It will be okay.  Even if every horrible thing that I could ever imagine suddenly happens all at once . . . it really will be alright.  God will still be God.  He will remain faithful.  I may not be able to fathom how I could ever deal with something, but God knows.  And if He allows me to ever face it, He will give me the grace to go through it.  Does it make sense to my puny human brain?  No.  Can I explain how He equips us with that kind of strength?  No.  I only know that He is faithful, and if we just agree to believe Him, He will come through for us.  We will have the strength to fight the fear and deal with situations that we thought would kill us.  We can even manage to do this while retaining peace.  I am living proof of this.  I am determined to trade stressful situations for peace and fear for faith.  With God's grace, I will be able to walk through anything that life throws at me.  I am believing God.

~God of Even the Littlest Things

On August 7, 2010, The Rock Church held a special Saturday night service for Woody Woodson, a well-known national speaker. We happened to be back in Maine that weekend, so we decided to attend. Since there was rarely a dull moment in our lives, Joshua of course had a small seizure during the service. Thankfully, most people in attendance were aware of what was occurring, and nothing was made of it. However, it was a definite reminder of how much we had been praying for healing and for the seizures to cease. I do not remember a whole lot about the service itself (although I am sure it was great) until the very end. Woody was taking some time to pray for people, and he suddenly announced that there was someone with a "bad shoulder" in attendance that needed prayer but did not think it was worth God’s time. Joshua instantly knew that was him. Since dislocating his right shoulder during the second seizure, he still experienced quite a bit of discomfort and limited range of motion. He was supposed to be wearing a sling at all times, and we had been told that he might require future surgery to repair the damage. Woody prayed for Joshua, and he felt warmth all over. After that, he stopped wearing the sling, and he was able to move his shoulder and arm normally. He still experiences minor pain after some seizures – the strain of his muscles tightening can cause some discomfort, but nothing like what he had previously encountered. It was ironic, because we were wrapped up in praying for healing from seizures and the tumor itself, but God wanted to remind us that He is still the God of the “small” issues. Our minor problems are just as significant to Him as our severest troubles.