~Fear

Fear.  We all encounter it.  No matter how strong or independent we may think we are, we are all acquainted with this horrible feeling.  I think I may have dealt with it more than others . . . my type A personality is always thinking of terrible things that could happen.  I am the wife who begs her husband not to eat or drink after anyone because they might be carriers of Meningitis.  I hate potlucks because other people may not be as careful as me while, say, preparing meat.  I have trouble enjoying amusement parks and rides, not because I am scared of heights or speed, but because I am *petrified* that another person on a ride will get sick and throw up on me.  Yes, I am slightly strange.  But all jokes aside, fear is obviously something that I have dealt with more than ever in the past two years.  Facing a serious illness of a loved one has a way of drudging up our worst nightmares and throwing them in our faces.

I find that I do well for weeks, months even.  And then, WHAM!  I am hit with it.  A paralyzing temptation to fear.  So strong that I feel as though I might drown it.  Might go crazy from it.  And that is when I know it is time to purge my mind, hand it all over to God, and continue my fight to believe Him all over again.  Sometimes I am struck with a horrible thought, and five minutes of prayer calms my fear and rids me of irrational thoughts.  Sometimes I spend time meditating on Psalm 91 or another soothing scripture, and I feel better immediately.  But other times, the same fear keeps rearing its ugly head, and I know that I need to just deal with it.  Just recently, for example, I began to feel the temptation to fear regarding Joshua having seizures.  He has been having them infrequently for two years now, and they are a "normal" way of life.  Yet for some reason, I suddenly began to feel a lot of anxiety about them.  When this happens, I know that I need to purge my mind, so to speak.  I need to deal with it head on and rid myself of it before it takes over.  Because it will if I let it go.  Fear will take place of faith, and before I know it, I will be facing life's ups and down in my own strength and failing miserably.

So what do I do?  I start by pouring out my every fear to God.  The Charismatic in me used to be terrified to do this.  If I vocalize what I am afraid of, I might be "confessing" it over my life, and it could happen!  Seriously?  Do I really think that God becomes impotent when I admit a fear?  Yeah, pretty irrational.  Spelling out my every horrific thought to Him is literally the most therapeutic thing ever.  I list every fear that I have in the situation - from the normal, to the completely irrational, to the silliest, to the smallest little blip on my mental radar.  Everything.  He already knows my thoughts; He won't be shocked by it.  If I keep burying my fears, I will never really face them.  I will never get rid of them.

For days after Joshua had the first seizure, I left the hospital each night haunted with memories of it.  After a few days of this, I finally sat down and just told God everything.  I described to Him exactly what happened, how I felt during the incident, how terrified I had been.  How helpless I felt.  I replayed the entire thing for God.  Just this morning, I told God all of my fears about seizures.  Every little thought that has scared me.  I laid it all out there.

Once I get that all out, I typically feel 100 times better.  It really is a huge relief to dump it all on God.  I then ask God for peace and protection.  I ask for healing from seizures, and for Him to keep Joshua safe when they occur.  I ask him to protect my mind from fear and irrational thoughts.  I spend time thanking Him for all of the times that He has protected us and taken care of us.

I conclude by telling God that I am still determined to believe Him.  I acknowledge that He is God, and nothing will happen outside of His knowledge.  It will be okay.  Even if every horrible thing that I could ever imagine suddenly happens all at once . . . it really will be alright.  God will still be God.  He will remain faithful.  I may not be able to fathom how I could ever deal with something, but God knows.  And if He allows me to ever face it, He will give me the grace to go through it.  Does it make sense to my puny human brain?  No.  Can I explain how He equips us with that kind of strength?  No.  I only know that He is faithful, and if we just agree to believe Him, He will come through for us.  We will have the strength to fight the fear and deal with situations that we thought would kill us.  We can even manage to do this while retaining peace.  I am living proof of this.  I am determined to trade stressful situations for peace and fear for faith.  With God's grace, I will be able to walk through anything that life throws at me.  I am believing God.